I know you said they’re only doing it because I let it upset me, but I can’t help how I feel okay! Maybe I’m just too sensitive! Maybe I’m worried about the fallout should there be a societal reckoning against the rich and powerful! Why do they keep picking on me, Mom?
You also said maybe it’s because I always fall asleep first since my asthma medication makes me sleepy. Well Mom, listen to this. Tonight, Jake fell asleep first, and no one said anything about forging IRS watermarks, all we did was put his hand in a cup of warm water. But then, when I nodded off for like two seconds, I woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door. It’s not fair!
No Mom! I can’t fight back, what kind of advice is that? I’ll get totally destroyed. Mikey is like six inches taller than me, George already has a bicep vein, and I’ll never be able to proofread boilerplate anywhere near as fast as Andrew! Come on Mom be realistic here. I need serious advice!
Can you just put Dad on the phone? What did he do when he was my age and his friends were doing this kind of thing? I know he was the cool kid and was probably the one leading the charge. Yes, I know he’s been lonely recently because all his childhood friends are on trial at the Hague! Maybe he regrets his actions and will be willing to help me! Just ask! What? I don’t care if the new Yellowstone is on!
What! No way! I can’t sue to get the contracts voided for forgery—snitches get stitches! Every kid in school would come after me if I did that. Plus, there was that time when we played, “record ourselves admitting that all documents herein were completed of sound body and mind.” I’m like 90% sure they kept that recording Mom!
It's not harmless teasing! Remember when the Panama papers got released and there were all those protestors outside our house? Or how every time you drive me to school we’re followed by unmarked vans? Or when you tried to get me one of those “first debit cards” where you and Dad put a little money in every month and I can practice budgeting, but that series of bank employees had to keep ‘checking with their supervisor’ and we ended up having to appear before the board of Chase Manhattan? You don’t remember that? Well, I do!
I know you think they’re “good boys” because they always say “please and thank you” but that doesn’t mean one day they won’t take advantage of all these subsidiaries! Boys will be boys, but we won’t stay young forever! George is going to inherit his family’s commercial printing company. You don’t think he’s going to take advantage of StinkCrotch LLC when it’s just sitting right there? It doesn’t matter if he always calls you “ma’am,” he’s obviously not like that all the time, plus the commercial printing industry is in decline Mom! He’ll say he has no choice! I’ll be ruined!
No, please don’t call Andrew’s mom. She’ll come in here, and she’ll tell them to stop, and they’ll all say, “Oh of course, Mrs. Penndel, so sorry,” and then the second she leaves the room they’ll jump on me and force me to attempt a money transfer over the daily limit just so my name will be waiting on an inspection list come Monday morning. No way!
Yes, please just come get me. And when you get here can you make it sound like something happened? Maybe say an uncle died or something. Otherwise, they’re gunna say stuff like, “Oh did someone call his mommy? Does he need to go to his tax haven, a.k.a. his house? Haha gottem.”
Oh no, I have to go, they’re laughing too hard out there. Either they’re making Siri say the word “gay,” or they’re filing an anonymous whistleblower complaint to the SEC. Please hurry!