Winkler Field in Saratoga

I’m sorry I repeatedly yelled, “I want that kid checked for steroids, he’s a steroid junkie” after a player hit a double. It’s just that I’ve never seen a double in a T-Ball game before, so I was a little suspicious of the kid. Even my detractors have to admit he looked awfully big for a five-year-old.

The Wendy’s at Interstate 20 and Buck Jones Blvd

I apologize for standing by the drive-thru speaker warning people not to order a chocolate-vanilla swirl Frosty. I didn’t realize that it was illegal in this country to help people out before they wasted their time trying to order something that doesn’t exist. I wish someone had been standing at the speaker when I tried to order one and promptly got laughed at by the Wendy’s employee on the headset, but I guess I’m cut from a different cloth.

Space Center Houston

I regret saying “I’m gonna be a spaaaaacemaaaaan,” in a “creepy” sing-song voice while waiting in line for the Apollo Mission Control Center tour. Frankly, I don’t think it sounded much different from my normal voice and I was a little insulted that the security guards kept stressing the word “creepy” while they escorted me out. I would like to return and go on the tour in the future if that can be arranged. I promise I won’t tell anyone about my dreams of being a spaceman.

DoubleTree by Hilton (All Locations)

If there’s a limit on how many cookies a guest is allowed to stash in his suitcase, maybe put a sign out, is all I’m saying. I’m sorry.

My Cousin Howard’s Lakehouse

I apologize for opening a savings and loan out of the spare bedroom at your lakehouse, Howard. In hindsight, I can understand why, from a liability point of view, you would not be entirely on board with the idea. The Big Short had just come out and I thought I could capitalize on my newfound knowledge. You know, make some big bucks for us all and spread some wealth around the family. I swear I’ll pay you back for the windows that got flash-banged when the Feds raided the house.

The Wendy’s at Interstate 20 and Bertram Road

I am sorry for not warning other customers about the giant pothole I had angrily dug in the drive-thru lane after getting your location confused with another restaurant. Y’all sure do send mixed signals RE: standing at the speaker box and talking to people in their cars.

Elliot’s Hardware Shop

My sincerest condolences to Mr. Elliot’s widow and family. I have been advised by my legal counsel not to say anything else regarding this matter, but I’ve got two words for you: AUTOMATIC. DOORS.

Angel Keepers Daycare

I apologize for allowing the job to get the best of me. It’s a lot of pressure preparing snacks for 50+ children every day, and I readily admit I was not up to the task. Screaming insults such as “Here, you want some, you tubbies?” while hurling spoonfuls of peanut butter at the kids on the playground is not my proudest moment. I ask for your forgiveness and promise to do better in the future. Please stop telling potential employers I am unfit for work. Arena (Formerly Staples Center)

I’m sorry I stormed the court during half-time and pretended to hump the mascot. I am also sorry that, when the humping bit was falling flat, I attempted to do a Jack Nicholson impression into the court announcer’s microphone. My Nicholson is not very good. I should have done my Andy Kaufman instead; that always kills (“Thank you veddy much!”). Anyway, I apologize to Mr. Nicholson and his fans.

The Wendy’s in The Shops at Hillsdale

I’m sorry for grabbing the loudspeaker microphone and doing my Andy Kaufman impression for your customers. After a substantial amount of reflection, I now think I might be more of a Burger King kind of guy.