Dear Former or Current Student:
I am writing to inform you of an important update. We have been notified repeatedly by aggrieved parties that The School of Hard Knocks is not accredited. Therefore, any earned degree or course taken is technically not valid and non-transferable to other programs at this time.
If we here at The School of Hard Knocks pride ourselves on one thing, it’s everything (as well we should). Our institution has always transformed negative experiences into learning opportunities; that’s kind of our whole deal.
Still, we understand that this news may come as a shock or major inconvenience to you; however, we believe you’ll be well-prepared to deal with this potential blow as “Shocks,” “Major Inconveniences,” and “Potential Blows” were first-year courses at our institute.
You will continue to have full access to your bragging rights for attending The School of Hard Knocks, which, as you know, carries an at-least-equivalent value to any accredited course. Please note that while bragging rights may be used in abundance and indefinitely—at dinner parties, in dating app bios, in unending lectures to your children—their use may cause others around you to adamantly point out that the school is indeed unaccredited. That being said, you should still definitely use your right to brag that you attended The School of Hard Knocks often and unbearably.
You will also still have access to all previous courses taken. Feel free to take them as often as you’d like. Personally, I feel like you can never take “Soul-Crushing Defeat” too many times. I learn something new every time.
Take it from a fellow alumnus who worked his way up, toiling over years of unimaginably hard work, until reaching the highest position in the administration: you will be fine. You may not have a “degree” from a “school” that “counts.” But you do have a “degree” from a “school” that is “not real” and perhaps never “taught” you how to properly “use” “air quotes.”
With this announcement, you may be wondering if your tuition in the amount of blood, sweat, and tears is refundable. It is not. You are also ineligible for any refunds on textbooks since, as you know, we don’t use textbooks here at The School of Hard Knocks. Other schools may think you can learn things from books, but when was the last time someone who read books actually helped you? To summarize, you are not entitled to any compensation because that would be too easy and we aren’t the school of “Easy Knocks.”
You want an easy knock? Find a door.
We have also received some inquiries about access to an alumni email account. We don’t know the origin of these inquiries; our institution has never created access to email accounts for students or alumni. In fact, our institution has not created access to anything for our students or alumni. If anything, we create roadblocks; this is how people learn, as stated in all of our brochures and by all of our attentive students and alumni. For a refresher course on learning by facing constant adversity, please visit our course catalog.
Obviously, I cannot provide you with the location of that course catalog because, as you know, getting a simple question answered would be taking the easy road. We don’t believe in easy roads at The School of Hard Knocks. We only have hard roads, except for the dangerously soft and/or collapsing roads we have in our elective driving and hiking courses.
Please review the above information carefully. Continue to focus on your number one priority: engaging in uphill battles presented by the daily grind, while simultaneously boasting about the wisdom provided to you by your alma mater.
If you have questions or concerns, please do one of the following:
- Find a good pair of bootstraps to pull yourself up with.
- See number one.
In the meantime, The School of Hard Knocks will always be here to serve you disses and additional life lessons in the form of obstacles. Remember our school motto: don’t take it easy, just take it.
The President of The School Of Hard Knocks