Commemorative Wedding Tote Bag

Go on, say it. I've outlasted the marriage. You don't think I know? Of course, I know, I have 89 identical siblings all given away on the same night to Wilson and Meghan's close friends and also that weird coworker Dale. Did you ever get a tattoo you regret? How about one that says “Wilson and Meghan—Oct. 9th, 2014—Forever”? Now imagine you didn't so much get that tattoo but were branded with it against your will. My existence is a joke, just send me to Goodwill so I can reunite with my siblings.

Trendy Tote

I'm from that new, oddly expensive athleisure brand. You probably saw that article on me last month, right? It's literally not a big deal but I am truly all over social media. The thing you need to know is that I'm more than a bag, I'm a lifestyle or, more importantly, an indicator of a lifestyle. Nothing is more important than that, including Pilates.

Promotional Wine Tote

No one has even asked how I'm doing since the wine I came with was consumed in front of me and then tossed away! I loved that wine, it wasn't just my partner, it was my sense of purpose. What do I do now? Wait for another bottle? A simple, “Hey, you okay?” would go a long way, you know.

Fancy Tote Bag

I was the promise of something more. I mean I'm not your regular canvas, I'm COATED canvas. Coated in confidence and luxury. Coated in a plastic derivative polyvinylchloride. Your partner was so proud to have presented me to you that birthday. Their eyes lit up when they saw me at the store. Did they ever look at you that way? You said you liked me; I believe your exact words were, “No I really like it!” So imagine my shock when I sit here day after day and watch you pick up that cheap, stained, decades-old tote bag. My coated canvas skin is thick, I can take the humiliation. But show some respect for your thoughtful partner with good taste, and dear God show some respect for yourself.

Mystery Tote Bag

Hi everyone, I'm a little confused. I'm Diane's tote? I don't think I'm supposed to be here. She brought me to the Christmas party in 2015 and I think she just forgot but she's definitely coming back for me. Right?

Grocery Store Reusable Bag

Everyone thinks of us as second-class citizens. Just because we don't have a clean, san-serif font and instead are emblazoned with pixelated images of weirdly large produce doesn't mean we don't count. Sure, we were acquired out of desperate necessity, bought with a sigh and a roll of the eyes, but the lack of compassion from the rest of the tote bags is what hurts the most.

IKEA Tote Bag

What the hell man? What do you want from me? One minute I'm carrying a brand new floor lamp and then the next a week's worth of laundry? For months I literally held all the other reusable bags, bags I never even met, and now they're literally inside me?! I'm supposed to keep them safe? From what exactly? I'm tired of this abuse. Everyone always assumes the IKEA bag can handle anything, but no one thinks about what we're carrying emotionally.

Magazine Tote Bag

I came with the subscription so you'd have a way to carry all the old issues you never read down to the recycling.