Hello friends and family! Merry Christmas from the Turners—Julie, (16), Tyler (9), Jane (3), Jim (52) and yours truly, Marie (none of your business! Wink!). It was a great year for our family. The kids are healthy, we do not want for material possessions and the government has outsourced all decisions on incarceration and immigrant detention to Jim’s private prison company. We’re truly blessed.

Many of you are more than just friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof. After 4 years out of favor, private prisons are back in fashion! The money is pouring in and Jim’s busier than ever. When he’s not figuring out how to cram twice as many people into the same amount of space, he’s fending off lawsuits from the ACLU, or fending off lawsuits from Amnesty International, or politely telling Stephen Miller that no, he can’t just “hang out and watch.”

“Enough about the business, Marie. How are those precocious kids of yours doing?” Good question! Our kids continue to make us oh so very proud. Not “gay” proud, of course. The regular kind.

Tyler is a little spitfire! And getting less “little” by the day. His teachers report that when he and the other 4th graders play Capture the Flag and he tags kids to send them to jail, he’s imprisoning at a 9th grade level! Way to go, Ty! For Christmas he wants a PS5, a box of extra small sized zip ties and for the government to lower the minimum age for ICE enrollment from 18 to 10.

Julie got straight A’s, but she was crushed when her boyfriend Todd Stenson broke up with her just plum out of nowhere. She suspected something fishy was happening, so she secretly put the ACS brand ankle monitor that Jim got her for her birthday in Todd’s car and tracked him to her best friend, Sandra Gorman’s house, where she made good use of that taser Jim got her for Easter. And voila, guess who’s suddenly back together?

And of course, little 3-year-old Janey is still the family cut up, bringing laughs and smiles wherever she goes. When the parents come to collect their kids at daycare, there’s Janey, asking for their papers and proof they’re actually related. And she is not afraid to separate kids from their parents until she gets what she wants. “You go ova dere. And you go ova here.”

As for me, I was busy organizing and decorating the new 6000 square foot home we moved into back in August. Sadly, I’ve been doing much of the work ALONE as so many of our trusted household staff have vanished completely into thin air. Where could they have gone? I just don’t get it. We’ve always been so welcoming and given them tons of privileges: 5 minutes a day of outside time, one phone call a week, time off for good behavior and a black and white TV in the common room playing game shows from the 1980’s.

Sadly, 2025 also brought tragedy to our family when a different private prison company built Alligator Alcatraz. What a clever name! I know you’re not supposed to covet your neighbor’s detention facility but gosh darn it, I was jealous! But we Turners don’t let defeat define us. So this Christmas, while the whole family is snuggling around the fire, hot cocoa in hand, we’ll be coming up with other ideas for prison names based on dangerous animals. So far, I’ve got “Scorpion Sing Sing,” “Rattlesnake Rikers Island,” and “Great White Shark Guantanamo.”

What does 2026 hold for ACS and the Turners? Only amazing things! Jim was invited to Saudi Arabia to be the keynote speaker at a prison industry conference on Involuntary Work Initiatives. To have the Saudis say they admire the way you’re locking people up is such an enormous honor. And we’re hoping to take in a comedy show while we’re there. Some of our favorite victims of cancel culture will be performing!

Merry Christmas and hope to see you all in 2026!

Peace and Love,

The Turners