Good morrow ye’all! ‘Tis such a special night and I am delighted thou art joining me as I ready for my first ever banquet as QUEEN!

Technically we art like, also in mourning, or whatever, because the King tragically died from being stabbed by some knaves who definitely were not my lord Mac.

Thus my look is doing double duty tonight, I want it to look subtle, yet regicidal. Attend, ’tis not what I meant– REGAL. Regal is what I did mean.

If thou hast been following my page for awhile thou knowst how hard we have worked to get here! Some people call kings nepo babies, but we were given naught, we had to labour for our gains. Mac had to slaughter many people and live in a tent on the moors for months with no heating or water or moisturizer. ‘Twas murder. Forsooth, ‘t’wasn’t murder, because those wretches deserved it for betraying the King.

Not that I would comprehend how that might feel, for I’ve never done it. Murder. OR betrayed the King. Obviously.

Lo, for my base I willst use this shadowy nude eyeshadow, ’tis by Urban Decay, to be sure, because thou knowst all the products I use are cruelty-free and vegan. It’s shade #314 in… Haunted. Zounds! I’ve used this shade for years and I never knew ’twas called that.

Lord, I must have gotten lip stain on my fingers, I cannot get the vermillion off.

Next I will apply liquid eyeliner, which is from my conjoining with Two Faced Cosmetics. Forget-thee-not that all sales of this product benefit the local hound shelter at Birnam Wood. This eye quill goes on so easily, I adore it. Tonight I’m using their ebony shade, Damned Soul.

Multitude, apparently I must recommend this long last lip stain, because it has epic remaining power, I cannot get it off my hands and I have scrubbed and scrubbed. Away with thee!

Now allow us to apply our lip quill to ensure the color stays. This lip color is called Blood Red. Fie! It is not, it is named Brick Red. I must have misread it in this light, forsooth these scurvy whale oil lamps. I am slumming it because our coffers are all out of my scented beeswax candles, but truly I will let thou knowst when we drop the restock.

Low key it begins to chagrin me how stained my palms are. Prithee, how much cleansing balm can a girl use? Out, out damned spot! I can’ae go to dinner with blood on my hands.

‘Tis not blood. ‘Tis lip stain. ‘Tis cruelty-free, vegan lip stain. But the king weren’t even wearing lip stain. Wherefore would it be on my hands? ‘Tis not his shade. He was a summer, this is a winter shade. ‘Twould be totally incomparable for his coloring.

Lo, subscribe now to receive a sneak peek of my upcoming product drop. To tempt, I am revealing the nomenclature of my new luxe skincare line exclusively for my fellowship. ‘Tis completely focused on the children: lotions, potions, retinol, everything they need to remain looking snatched at daycare. Thou willst be ob-sessed.

Drumroll— ’tis called… MURDER!
Mother.
‘Tis called Mother.
I am a mother.
I am not a murderer.
‘Twould be a foul name for a kids’ skincare line.

Prithee, wish us fortune tonight! We will kill it!
The banquet. Metaphorically.
We willst not kill anyone.

Not anon.