A Nebraskan tire center I used once on a road trip seven years ago:

We’re feeling a little deflated today, and wheel miss you as a valued customer. Friends and family can use offer code PUMP‘N’DUMP for 10% off their next service.

My dentist’s office:

Guessing the big moment’s at 2:30? We’re sure down-in-the-mouth to lose you as a patient, and that’s the tooth! Still, that gaping black hole comes for us all in the end.

Floss & prayers… x

My coffee subscription service:

It’s bean real! Hope it’s not French Roast time for you. Also, we hereby officially relinquish you from our binding insistence that you stay awake for every single second of existence.

My optician’s office:

We’re sorry to SEE you go! Though you never actually bought any glasses from us, so we’re not that sad. Man… we used to have the market cornered before people realized they could just ask us to measure their pupillary distance and then take their money someplace else that sells frames for a quarter of the price. We really thought that purposefully leaving that shit off the prescription would do the trick.

Damn it, anyways. At least we can still charge a hundred dollars for a single pair of contacts to “test” whether the incredibly minor prescription adjustments we’ve made will still work for you, just like they have without any problems for the last two decades. That’s money in the freakin’ bank, right there. Anyways. Many happy returns, etc. Whatever.

A sports nutrition website I’ve used a couple of times:

Happy Race Day. We’re here to fuel ALL your next adventures, whether it be a scorching 666K barefoot ultra or a 5K angel-jizz love-in on the clouds. Hurry & use offer code CASKET15 for 15% off your next order.

Saint Peter @ PearlyGates:

Your case-specific, one-time sign-in code for heaven is 3%&8hJ-f–9—M–1-@#bN4笑Hvn .

For security purposes, copy/paste and screenshots are disabled.

This code will expire in 30 seconds.

My governor:

I’m sorry to reach out to you like this, but democracy is under attack in our great state. The values we hold dear are under attack. Under attack, under attack, under attack.

It’s time for all of us to stand together and show the all-of-us who are not really with us that all of us have a voice that deserves to be heard by all of us.

Text ICHOOSELOVE to donate the entirety of your estate to my re-election campaign.

My health insurance:

The “critical” care you recently received has been deemed non-emergency and therefore out-of-network. Please sign in to your account to review upcoming charges.

A company from which I drunkenly purchased the world’s most shockingly extreme sex toy over two years ago, without realizing at the time that it was on backorder:

Get horny! Your package is on the way and will arrive tomorrow! Signature required.

My doctor’s office:

See? Told you.