I know we don’t all see eye-to-eye about the office cobra, and that’s okay. Part of a healthy workplace is sharing differences in an open, respectful manner. Yes, thank you, Bob. I hope we can all agree to disagree.

I understand that the office cobra is very special to some of you. We all know the cobra has been part of our company since its very beginning, back in that little office over the combined schnitzel house and shoe repair. For those who were here in the early days, the cobra represents identity and tradition, and I’ll admit that on some level it really is the slithering, venomous, cold-blooded heart of the enterprise we share. We hear the pride in your voices when you talk about it, and the love when you reminisce about its early days as a baby snake.

I appreciate the spirit of that offer, but at this point I don’t think it’s necessary to show us more baby pictures of the cobra. I think there are enough framed photographs on the office walls, visible from every work station, for us to be familiar with how the snake looked. Also, and I don’t mean this a criticism, information about the baby cobra takes up a surprising amount of new-employee orientation. Yes, we know it is very important to you. But I wonder if some of that valuable herpetological information might not productively be moved to the job interview stage. Job-seekers might find it illuminating.

Yes, I understand you’ve named the cobra Gordon. I’m sorry. I did not mean to phrase that insensitively. Naturally, I meant that the cobra’s name is Gordon. We all know how concerned you are that Gordon will get upset if not called by his given name. Senior management’s memos on this point have been marvelously detailed. I simply think we’ve experienced different workplace interactions with Gordon. It has never been my experience, for example, that not calling him Gordon made anything worse. His behavior has always struck me as extremely consistent.

Yes, I think “generation gap” is a very appropriate way to describe the different perspectives here. It is certainly true that the younger members of the firm do not have long habit of fond association with Gordon that our senior partners hold so dear. But perhaps it should also be noted that junior staffers do not have private offices whose doors lock. I wonder if management has fully gamed out all the challenges that Gordon, or in fairness any office cobra, presents in an open floor plan. No, I’m sorry, our issue is not with the open floor plan per se.

It is technically true that neither Eleanor nor Maria would have been bitten if, as you put it, “they hadn’t been showing so much ankle.” But perhaps then I could ask why our dress code requires skirts? Yes, thank you, Doug, but while you may or may not find my knee-high boots “sexy,” and here I would remind you of your previous agreements with HR, the boots really are not for you. It’s strictly an office cobra thing.

Yes, I understand that the snake is fully covered by the firm’s insurance, if we use “understand” to mean “be cognizant” rather than “have any idea how for the love of Jesus such a thing could be possible or why.” I must admit that our insurer has been far more accommodating than I ever hoped.

Let me say, before you go any further, that bringing up Take Your Child to Work Day will not be productive.

Actually, I doubt very much that you will bring Louise back to replace me should I leave. You may recall that Louise died two years ago from, of all surprising things, a snake bite.

Of course this snake, Dennis. Who else?

As I said, there are matters on which we must agree to disagree.

Well, of course I’m sorry you feel that way, But I think we all need to be clear on this issue. I will not, under any circumstances, apologize for buying the mongoose.