Jun
21
My Brutally Honest Cover Letter for the Cupcake Deliverer Role
The cover letter is the most recycled paper item in the world; what you’re reading is a repurposed version of one that I sent to Whole Foods.
Jun
21
Porn Options for Dads
Slow, seamless unboxings / Understated Nextdoor heroics / Horny locals making out to FiveThirtyEight podcast / Vintage SkyMalls
Jun
21
Father’s Day Cards for Stepdads
Fatherhood brings out the best in a man. / Stepfatherhood brings gas station flowers.
Jun
20
Silicon Valley Startup or the Hårga, the Pagan Cult from Midsommar?
They swear they make some sort of product here, but all you see is a lot of eating, prancing, and day drinking.
Jun
20
7 Father’s Day Activities for Abraham, the Dad Who Is Hellbent on Sacrificing You
Nothing says “Don’t sacrifice me!” like breakfast in bed. An omelet and fresh coffee is the perfect way to warm Dad up to the idea of sparing you.
Jun
20
Great-Great-Grandma Mathilda’s Recipe for Eating the Rich
Ingredients: 1 billionaire, appropriately beaten; Kosher salt; Fresh herbs / Serves: 99% of the population, when divided equally.
Jun
19
Are You in an Average Relationship or a Sexy, Self-Destructive Relationship in a Sally Rooney Novel?
One of your boyfriend’s friends bullies you, does your boyfriend… a) ...stand up for me! b) ...not do anything for sexy and mysterious reasons.
Jun
19
What the World War II Movie Your Father Wants You to Watch Together Says About Your Relationship
The Bridge on the River Kwai – Your dad thinks you should stand up to your boss at work. You say he’s a fathead, right?
Jun
19
The Three Little Pigs During Coronavirus
The first little pig went to a boardwalk bar, met up with single pigs, and thought masks were for tree-hugging liberals and was a Democratic hoax.
Jun
18
My Smoothie Is Green and Now I Can See Sound
When you blend spinach into a smoothie, you become better. Better than others, better than yourself, better than God. You can see sound, hear color.
Jun
18
Your County’s Updated Re-Opening Plan
Stage 3d: CDC advises to pick whichever conflicting news article or random blog post best matches your level of paranoia or recklessness.
Jun
18
I Visited the Most Haunted Village in England
I climbed in the window of that cottage over there and the lady inside screamed. I don't know why. There were no ghosts in there. I checked.
Jun
17
It’s Time to Break Some Rules and Re-Open Hogsmeade
Remember that I couldn't get my Hogsmeade form signed while a murderer was after me, and I still snuck out for my first sip of butterbeer.
Jun
17
NYC Department of Health Recommended Sex Positions for COVID-19
The Bronx Bondage – Tie your partner up, and just leave them there. Nothing is hotter than the anticipation. We condone being a tease.
Jun
17
How to Appear Woke While Improving Corporate Sales
Post on Instagram to both notify the public of your shared sentiment on their struggle while promoting Domino’s new $7.99 carryout special.
Jun
16
Introduction to Disguising a Fart in Public
Redirect the Attention. Infiltrate the Distraction. And Proceed as if Nothing Has Happened. Together, they form a useful pneumonic: RIP.
Jun
16
Veiled Muslim Woman or Woman Wearing a Face Mask During a Pandemic?
Unsure if fogless sunglasses are a thing. / Expects to walk past a construction site without being catcalled.
Jun
16
I’m Your Canned Vodka Soda Beverage and I Want You for Breakfast Too, Baby
I see you eyeing my cylindrical figure before your 10 AM Zoom call. I’m tall and light with perfect slender curves that a V-8 could only dream of.
Jun
15
In These Difficult Times, Bank of America Is Here to Help You Pay Us the Money You Owe Us
One thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.
Jun
15
John McClane’s Recent Thoughts on Defunding the Police
Do you know what you get for being a “hero”? Nothin'. So you might as well find a job that doesn't involve terrorizing low-income communities.
Jun
15
My Four-Phase Plan to Reopen My Work Email
Get Out of Bed: In this first phase, caution is the name of the game. I can't take any risks that could lead to a second wave of weekend lethargy.
Jun
14
Hello and Welcome Aboard This Flight on America’s One Remaining Airline!
Today we’re flying a Communal Brain Space 1000. And through a partnership with Amazon, this aircraft runs 100% on recycled human suffering.
Jun
14
Immersion Therapy for the Pedantic
I am thrilled to present a treatment for those suffering from actuallytis, the compulsion to make unnecessary, annoying, and pedantic corrections.
Jun
13
I’m Just a Man Who Believes in Breakfast Pizza
Subject: History WILL NOT be kind to the man who ignored breakfast pizza. Not gonna lie, Rob. Reallllly feel like you’re blowing it here.
Jun
13
Ways to Reform the Agitated Bear in the Center of Town
We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of sensitivity training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired.
Jun
13
My Unique Vision for Your Home’s Exterior
Painting that house took a lot of effort and expense. Despite all I went through to realize an artistic vision, that client has refused to pay.
Jun
12
Shakespeare Characters Write to the Ethicist
My question is whether, if this is fated to happen, I can nudge it along by killing my boss. --Name Withheld in Scotland
Jun
12
Itemized Police Budget Report for June 2020
Bespoke Tom Ford rapid response tactical outerwear - $475,000 / “Good cop, bad cop” improv lessons - $36,000 / Body camera software updates - $3.50
Jun
12
I’m the Mosquito Bite You Got at That Outdoor Cinema, and if You Scratch Me I Shall Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine
Pride leads to compromise. Compromise leads to shorts. Shorts lead to mosquitos. Mosquitos lead to suffering.
Jun
11
Rules of “Post-Grad Life: The Board Game”
-You failed an interview. Move back a square -You found an unpaid internship. Move forward 3 squares -But you did not get hired. Move back 3 squares
Jun
11
HBO Now vs. HBO Max vs. HBO Run: What’s the Difference?
Wait, HBO Run is just Run? HBO Run has a wide catalog to explore. From old classics like the premiere of Run to newer hits like the finale of Run.
Jun
10
I’m the Sleepytime Tea Bear, and I Fuck
I'm a sex-positive ursidae in touch with my body and on fire with sexual empowerment. If you've seen a picture of me, I'm not even wearing pants.
Jun
10
How to Torture Your Dad into Telling You What He Wants for Father’s Day
Surprise him by mowing the lawn. Devastate him by ignoring mowing best practices and race around in a pattern as erratic as his spiking heart rate.
Jun
10
A Wallet Laments Getting No Ass in Quarantine
Week after week, the routine never varies. Tim wakes up, reaches for idiotic iPhone, eats Cheez-Its, and sits on his sweet ass without me.
Jun
9
Satan Is Now on Cameo to Give You All Types of Shoutouts
I know a lot of you are all about sacrificing lives and animals to honor me, so I thought I would sacrifice some of my time for all of you.
Jun
9
Conversations I’d Rather Have Than the One Where We Talk About How Quarantine Has Made Us Lose Track of What Day It Is
The one where I try to explain to my conservative step-father who doesn’t see color that calling protestors "thugs" is racist.
Jun
9
I’m a High School Science Teacher, and I Pray Every Time I Set Up the Bowling Ball Pendulum
The basis upon which I have lived my entire life is jeopardized—and all because of a trust fall with the ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
Jun
8
Sure, Anti-Vaxxers Are Bad, But Have You Met My Aunty Vaxxers?
My terrifying, needle-wielding aunt who breaks into my bedroom nightly, holds me down, and then gives me thousands of vaccines while I'm sleeping.
Jun
8
7 Radically Different Things You Can Do Outside During a Pandemic
Strutting is like strolling but you're more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you're a woman in any 1950's film, that's strutting.
Jun
7
6 Techniques I Believe Will Get Sonny the Cuckoo Bird to Renounce Cocoa Puffs and Embrace Christianity
1) I Make a Rube Goldberg-type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth
Jun
7
How I Mastered Self-Love by Starting a Secret Affair with Myself
In an instant a few things happened: we locked eyes and both looked away in embarrassment; and I realized it was me.
Jun
6
We’re Sorry Our Roombas Are Killing You, But There’s Absolutely Nothing We Can Do
We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get.
Jun
6
Dear Men Who Have Discovered Parenting Is Hard and Are Being Paid to Write About It
As for the accusations of exploiting your children for money, well, times are tough and you need to provide however you can during this uncertainty.
Jun
5
No, I Didn’t Break Quarantine to Have a Sex Party
I heard one radio report suggest that there were flashing lights and loud music. My electricity is slightly faulty and caused momentary outages.
Jun
5
Pill Bottle Instructions for Unhinged Protagonist
DIRECTIONS: Take 2 tablets directly from bottle, and 3rd that spilled on rug. Take irregularly and at moments of peak stress.
Jun
5
Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
Jun
4
How to Tell If You Died and Became Santa, or Are Just a Messy Bitch
I am growing a long-white beard at a scary rapid pace! Uh-oh looks like someone might have the case of being magically transformed into St. Nick!
Jun
4
Police Officer or Chipotle Employee?
Which of the following pieces of equipment can be carried off-duty by employees and even concealed? A) Avocado Masher B) SIG Sauer P320 Pistol
Jun
4
Harry Potter and the Semester from Home
“Young ladies and gentlemen, meet Finnius Fletcherbottom, head professor of our newest department, necessary this year, Wizarding IT!”
Jun
3
Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Rollerbladed Once More
I wish to cleanse myself of the guilt for defying both you and my lovely wife by dusting off the ol’ blades and gracefully gliding down the street.
Jun
3
Revealed: A Therapist’s Notes after Meeting with Jesus
His dad is not here, but he says his dad is everywhere (denial?) / Continues to worry because he knows he's gonna die…. ok ok
Jun
3
The Comedic Male Genius’ Guide to Literary Humor for Lady Writers
And then it hit me: if Jessica is begging for my wisdom, there must be dozens of other hot girl writers who are crying out for my help, too.
Jun
2
Bodies of Water You Stared At as a Depressed Child
The above ground pool with leaves in it is a well-known suburban standard in which a sad kid’s eyes can get wistfully lost.
Jun
2
Introduction to Leading a Group of Strangers Through an Icebreaker Exercise
That mix of fear and resentment swirling in your gut? That’s how every icebreaker exercise should feel. You want your group to absolutely hate it.
Jun
2
How to Make a Pop-Tort
Remove your hot tart halves from the toaster. Do not use oven mitts or hand coverings. The tarts will be exceptionally brittle.
Jun
2
Every Writer’s Essay About Their Cat
My cat was born in hell. She exists solely to antagonize me and if anything ever happened to her I would kill everyone and then kill myself.
Jun
1
Is Age Really Just a Number?
I reached my biblical allotment of three score and ten. I am, as St. Paul wrote in his second letter to the Corinthians, “playing with house money.”
Jun
1
What People Are Saying Now, More Than Ever, During the Pandemic
Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”
Jun
1
I’m Queen Elsa from the “Frozen” Broadway Show and I’m Here to Announce Your Company’s Hiring Freeze
Thank goodness I’m still booking kindergarten graduations and Mormon cosplay through Cameo.
May
31
How to Enjoy the Park Now That the Pedal Boats Have Become Sentient
Some boats are still offering rides, but this is a scam. They don’t want money, they want to flip you into the water so they can laugh at you.
May
31
All I’m Asking Is That You Make Science Easier So I Can Understand It
Geology "Is that the one with all the countries," one would ask oneself, mistakenly. To avoid confusion, Geology should be called "Rocks."
May
30
I Should Have Chosen a Less-Sinister Name Than GloboTech LLC for My Globe Store
I have never taken contracts from the Department of Defense, the CIA, FEMA, or Burkina Faso. Our biggest buyer last year was Betty Hansen.
May
30
Unabridged Hotel Towel Rules
A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is delicate.”
May
30
I’m the FedEx Guy Who’s Been Reading Your Screenplay, and I Have a Few Ideas
I read Act I of your screenplay "The Library" while sighing and pretending to process your order.
May
29
We’re Your Sectional Sofa and We’re Breaking Up
We’ve worked everything out with our mediator, Coffee Table. You can sit with me, Loveseat, on weeknights and with Chaise for naps on weekends.
May
29
31 Affirmations for Quarantine
I acknowledge that I can change my sweatpants if I want to or I can wear the same ones every day forever and only I have the power to choose.
May
29
Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed Reveals Her Skincare Secret
I abide religiously by three principles: stay out of the sun, get plenty of sleep, and bathe in the blood of virgin women.
May
28
I Am a Self-Checkout Kiosk, and You’re in This for the Long Haul
My operating system may look like it could run on a Fisher-Price, but don't be fooled by the over-sized print or intuitive icons. I am a UX terror.
May
28
Life in the 1820’s or Life in Your 20’s?
You have dreams of leaving your hometown for some far away place you can reinvent yourself, some wild and distant land like Minneapolis.
May
28
Foghorn Leghorn Suicide Awareness Campaign
I say, I say, I wished in one hand, pooped in the other, and all I got was pie in the face.
May
27
It’s National Signing Day for Geeks
Buck: Wow, Jim. I especially liked the raw footage of Chip kicking butt in the chess club, and that slo-mo of him acing the AP calc exam.
May
27
Why I Went to Greg Johnson’s 8th Birthday Party Instead of Going to See Michael Jordan and the 1996 Chicago Bulls
The party was going to have two different kinds of ice cream cake. / I had serious concerns whether Dennis Rodman was going to be a good roster fit.
May
27
Don’t Get on That Plane, Despite That Clearly Being the Right Choice
I know my family can be hard to deal with. I can't cook, don't understand how to clean, and refuse to take out the trash for religious reasons.
May
26
Dante’s Nine Circles of YouTube Hell
Circle Two: Cooking Tutorials - Wistfully, the penniless souls here all live in studio apartments where the only cooking appliance is a hotplate.
May
26
Alternative Definitions of Strong Political Terms
After being diagnosed with arthritis, Diane made a joint resolution not to attempt any more roundhouse kicks.
May
26
I’m Dating (a Cup of) Joe and I’ve Never Been Happier!
I don't think any of my boyfriends have had such a positive impact on my life. You know, cup of Joe sends me off to work every day.
May
25
Stuff You Don’t Need from the Museum of Modern Art’s Store Catalogue
Contemporary realist Pavel Shpet’s “manic” salt and “depressive” pepper will liven up any dining table. (Well, one of them will liven it up.)
May
25
Dear Faculty, Seeking Volunteers for Tribute
Should you fall ill, the university has shored up our reserve of adjuncts. They will easily be able to take on your classes in an emergency.
May
24
I Am the Raccoon Who Lives in Your Trash and We Need to Talk about Your Diet
And your chicken nuggets are shaped like Shrek. How old are these things? They haven’t promoted a Shrek movie since 2010.
May
24
The Astrological Signs as Frat Boys
Miles, the Sagittarius, regales the party with tales from his trip to East Asia, and questions whether Western medicine is always right.
May
23
A North Jersey Mob Boss Holds a Zoom Meeting About “Legitimate Business”
If anyone’s screen-sharing with a cop, it won’t be long until you’re keeping six feet away from the living. Screen-sharers are dead to me.
May
23
The New Facebook Parent Control Panel
For verification purposes, please tag a public post that was clearly intended to be an embarrassing private message to you from that parent.
May
22
Classic Movies Re-Imagined with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the Lead
Forty-eight-year-old high school senior Ferris "The Rock" Bueller has 24 hours to save the city of Chicago from imminent destruction.
May
22
Bear in Hibernation or Millennial in Quarantine?
Works hard but makes no money / Loves avocado and salmon breakfasts / Obsessed with filtered water / Goes on many long, sad walks
May
22
How to Make My Grandmother’s Famous Cookies and Also Buy the Dairy Farm She Left Me
Homemade cookies are easier than you realize, and so is purchasing my grandmother’s farm. We don’t even need to go through any lawyers or anything.
May
21
The Nightmare Factories in Your Brains Will Remain Open for Business
You may be wondering: Mr. Krueger, are nightmare factories really "essential?" Especially during a pandemic when real life mimics nightmares?
May
21
The Difference Between the Meanings of Ethnic Names and White Names
Farvardin: One who protects the good and the pure / Wendy: Says "I love you" way too frivolously
May
21
A Step-by-Step Guide to Choosing a Password That Fulfills Every Last Requirement
2. Passwords must contain the word that best describes how you feel about your parents’ 1993 divorce. Your selection: pizza2betrayal
May
20
We’ve Taken Your Local NPR Station Hostage to Help Them Reach Their Pledge Drive Goal
Once we're done, we'll untie them so they can bring you the latest in electric cars and a look at the banjo quartet releasing a Wu-Tang cover album.
May
20
Jane Austen’s Characters in Quarantine
Mr. Bingley - Headed back to his parents mansion the moment shit went down. Makes parody videos in front of his pool. Tanned—like, SO tanned.
May
20
Sharks, Before You’re All Out, Give Me 4 More Minutes to Pitch My Matrix-Themed Restaurant
At each Morpheats location, you're welcomed into a cyberpunk dystopia by a pleather-clad “Matrix d’” who takes you to your virtual table.
May
19
Using Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” to Assert Shower Dominance Over Your Roommate
“Be where your enemy is not.” When your roommate occupies the shower, secure the sofa or most comfortable communal chair, as well as the remote.
May
19
Better-Than-Brexit Terms for Geopolitical Fallings-Out
Argentina = Sayonargentina / Ireland = Expireland / Israel = Wasrael / Italy = Quitaly / Portugal = Deportugal / Qatar = Qatar Loose
May
19
Shelter-in-Place Humblebrags That Make Facebook More Insufferable Than Ever
Lists of songs to help with the sheltering process: Clearly the goal is to convey the refined but also insider-quirky tastes of the poster.
May
18
My Upcoming Commencement Address, Revised Edition
You have duly earned those A̶’̶s̶,̶ ̶w̶h̶i̶c̶h̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶A̶c̶c̶o̶m̶p̶l̶i̶s̶h̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ P’s, which stand for Probably Above Par.
May
18
20 Excuses for Getting Out of Looking at the Body at a Funeral
I think I just saw Grandma's ghost! She’s headed towards the Applebee's down the street. I should follow her just to make sure she gets a booth.
May
18
Manuscript Notes for Mr. Tolkien Regarding the Name “Mount Doom”
If I were spitballing names for an evil mountain, I feel like “Mount Doom” would be one of the first things I thought of.
May
17
Car and Driver’s Top Five Heart Surgeons
No one does a mitral valve repair like Dr. F. He's brash, unpredictable, and thrives in the plush leather interior of the circulatory system.
May
17
King Lear or the Average Boomer?
Wanders outside during period of widespread danger to shout opinions of varying coherence at imperiled bystanders.
May
17
Letterboxd Reviews: Movies I Don’t Know the Endings To but Reviewed Anyway
"The Sixth Sense": Bruce Willis is clearly only getting close to this kid so he can bang his mom. Case closed.