Last thing you remember is being conked on the head by a giant candy cane falling off a Christmas Parade Float. You woke up in a hospital bed on December 24th and now certain things…. Well, they aren’t adding up.

Do not fear! With this helpful guide, we’ll help you find out if you simply suffered a minor head injury and forgot that you were always just a messy bitch, or if you died and are, in fact, Santa Claus now. Ho, ho, let’s go!

I am growing a long, white beard at a scary rapid pace!

Uh-oh looks like someone might have the case of being magically transformed into St. Nick! Better grab some red velour and faux white fur and start spreading cheer!

I look drunk in every photo I’m tagged in on Instagram.

Yeah, that tracks. Before your minor brain injury, you were just a messy bitch who never really hung out with other people without drinking being involved. Tough reality check.

A woman, who says she’s my wife, won’t stop feeding me cookies!

Classic case of the Claus. She is your wife, but she’s also your best friend. You’ll realize that soon. Have fun with the cookies 🙂

My bank account is empty!

That’s you being a messy bitch. Don’t you remember? Right before the parade you decided to “get into stocks” against everyone's warning and dumped all your savings into a new start-up (which is not what “getting into stocks” means but whatever). The start-up, Rent-a-Fancy-Son, shuttered quicker than that candy cane fell on you!

I run the North Pole and the elves are on strike!

Wow, you are big-time Santa Claus. And you better start looking into attorneys in the North Pole. This could get messy.

Looks like I didn’t do my taxes last year and now people are mad!

You really are a messy bitch. Look in your emails from last tax season. You should see one in “sent” that reads:

To: IRS
Subject: Please

Can we just not this year? I’m very busy investing in a new start-up that lets you rent a fancy little boy in fancy little shorts for an afternoon picnic. Thx.

It’s my responsibility to figure out how to improve the working conditions for the elves or else Christmas is ruined!

Classic Claus. Please remember that real progress takes time. Listen to the elves and think about how you can use your status and privilege in this moment to elevate their voices.

I was disinvited from my cousin’s wedding because I “ruin” weddings with my “too strong” dancing.

That’s a messy bitch right there. Try getting on your family’s good side by attending a family event and never once proposing a dance-off-to-the-death.

A friendly snowman keeps coming to my window and offering advice on this whole elf-strike fiasco.

Hmmm. This one could go either way. Probably means you're Santa though. Tell him we say hi!

I found a used condom under my ottoman.

You. Are. Messy. And. Need. To. Clean. Your. Apartment.

We did it! We used the magic of love to save Christmas!

Oh boy, we got a Santa right here. Congratulations to all! May you reign as the most radically left Santa we’ve had to date. Next up, let’s fix that wage gap.

A guy just texted me whose number I don’t recognize and asked for an “any hole you choose pic.”

You know which one you are.


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