I know I got here under the guise of having a new app to monitor health from your mobile phone, but I have to confess: I can’t program apps. What I can do is pitch you on a very special opportunity to get in on the ground floor of my new restaurant franchise: Morpheats.

At each Morpheats location, you’re welcomed into a cyberpunk dystopia by a pleather-clad “Matrix d’” who takes you to your virtual table, where you’ll be treated to a techno-themed food fantasia with real dishes from the world of The Matrix.

I see the disappointed looks on your faces and Sharks, I understand. I lied on my application and fabricated a fully-imagined app that could revolutionize how healthcare is handled in this country, but I have neither the intelligence nor experience to create it.

What I can do is create a series of made-to-order dishes with cyberpunk themes that I think will capture the public’s imagination in the months after our economy reopens: Cypher Burgers, Neo Nuggets, “There is No Spoon” Soup.

The Wachowski’s have repeatedly threatened legal action against me, but Sharks: that’s where you come in. With your expertise and networks, we can save humanity from a boring dining experience.

Why The Matrix? Great question, Robert. Simply put: it’s cool. How many of us can say they haven’t imagined jumping six feet in the air, freezing in place, spinning 360 degrees, and landing a powerful kick to the chest of an AI-controlled adversary? Now imagine that feeling in a plate of chicken wings.

Please, Mark, there is no need for that kind of language. We’re all adults here, and, I presume we’re all familiar with the fact that The Matrix made over $450 million at the box office. That’s almost 700 million in today’s dollars! That’s an audience that’s positively slavering for more Matrix. So, Sharks, which of you is ready to be “The One,” with me?

I’ll take the opportunity that this gaping silence has provided to hand out some research and statistics I have regarding the business opportunity here. What’s that, Kevin? Yes, these charts are dated 2005. Did I conceive of this restaurant, purchase the space and packaging fifteen years ago, and start looking for an opportune moment then and ever since? Yes, I did, and the fact that The Matrix 4 is slated for 2021 is an opportunity that I’m not about to let slide by.

So, sit down, jack in, and get ready to taste food so good, you’ll think it’s an illusion perpetrated by the machines to steal our life-force for power.

Ok, I can see that security is getting ready to do something so let me just say: “I know Kung Fu.” Haha, no I’m kidding, it was just a reference to the movie, so please don’t consider me a physical threat.

Barbara, please! Hear me out, you always see the good in entrepreneurs! Kevin is an Agent!


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