From vaccination misinformation to political hoaxes, there are countless viral conspiracies out there that can be harmful to impressionable aging minds. Accordingly, we here at Facebook want to give adult children more control over the accounts of their gullible Baby Boomer parents. Welcome to the new Facebook Parent Control Panel.

Please enter the name of the parent whose Facebook account you would like to limit:

For verification purposes, please tag a public post that was clearly intended to be an embarrassing private message to you from that parent.

We will now send an email to your parent warning them not to click on any links. If they click on the link you will be granted access to the Parent Control Panel.

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What kind of activities would you like to limit on your boomer parent's account?
Posting
Commenting
Sharing
Messaging you to ask why you haven't liked their post yet
Logging into Facebook

What kind of content would you like to block from your well-intentioned but social media inept parent's news feed?
Memes
Satire
Anything related to politics
News stories about crime in your area
Everything except pictures of their friends' kids

Disable Facebook for 30 minutes after how many posts?
5
3
1
Reroute Facebook to The Economist homepage upon login

When your parent attempts to use a hashtag:
Allow them to proceed (not recommended)
Remove the hashtag from the final post
Notify you immediately
Log them out of Facebook
Log them out of Facebook and notify you immediately

Mute the following personalities from your parent's News Feed:
Lifestyle gurus
Celebrities
MAGA celebrities
#Resistance celebrities
Any of those guys who make videos of themselves ranting about current events in their car

Which acronyms would you like to prevent your parent from using:
LOL
BAE
MAGA
DTF (you're not sure how they're using it but it's best if they just not use it all)
MSNCM (My Son Never Calls Me!)

Who can see your parent's Facebook profile?
Everyone
Friends
A select group of handpicked neighbors
Only you
A botnet programmed to simulate other Boomers

If your parent comes across a political ad for the 2020 election:
Allow them to watch it (not recommended)
Allow them to watch, comment on, and share it (definitely not recommended)
Run Facebook's Real-Time Fact Checker (not available at this time)
Play an ad from the politician's rival afterwards in order to paint a more fully-informed picture (just kidding, we don't make money playing these things for free)
Play a viral cat video instead

Immediately notify you when:
Your parent downloads any Facebook app
Your parent attempts to tag you in a post
Your parent enters their credit card information into a Facebook app
Your parent begins a post with, “This may not be politically correct to say, but”
Your parent searches for “How to disable Parent Control Panel”

Thank you for taking the time to utilize the new Facebook Parent Control Panel. None of the changes you've requested will take effect, but we will sell this data to third parties.

Also, by making the above selections you've agreed to let Facebook use your social security number any way we see fit. We're Facebook, what did you expect?


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