We see you want to create an account on our website. Welcome! This should only take 5 to 394,039,976 minutes, give or take.

Go ahead. Type in the password you’d like, and you’ll be on your way.

Ah, you went with “pizza” — a fine choice! Unfortunately, that meets zero of our requirements. You must be new here.

Your privacy matters to us at https://www.the-only-place-that-sells-the-overpriced-thing-your-nephew-wants-for-his-ninth-birthday.com. Please read this quick and easy guide to choosing a secure password.

1. Passwords must contain at least one number.

Pick a number, any number. Well, not any number; or system doesn’t accept 4 or 7. We’ve been bugging our IT guy about that, but his wife just had a baby and he’s really slammed right now.

Your selection: pizza2

2. Passwords must contain the word that best describes how you feel about your parents’ 1993 divorce.

While you’re thinking, want to sign up for our newsletter? Just one click gets you nine emails per day until you die.

Your selection: pizza2betrayal

3. Passwords must contain at least one special character.

All characters are special, unlike your nephew, who did not write you a thank-you note for last year’s birthday gift. Also unlike the squiggly ~ thing, which is useless.

Your selection: pizza2betrayal&

4. Passwords must contain a quote from your favorite Shakespeare play. But only one of the ones he definitely wrote. None of that “maybe Christopher Marlowe” crap.

Did we say this was a “quick and easy guide”? That’s our bad. We just meant “guide.”

Your selection: pizza2betrayal&nowisthewinterofourdiscontent

5. Passwords must contain a capital letter.

Great work! You’re halfway to forking over $89.99 for something your nephew will use once to impress his friend Jimmy, who is not that nice to him.

Your selection: Pizza2betrayal&nowisthewinterofourdiscontent

6. Passwords must contain the name of your high school crush’s mother.

Remember her? You used to Facebook-stalk this lady all the time. Big mole? Weird eyebrows? Ugly clothes? In the words of your diary entry at the time: “It just does not seem possible that such an average-looking woman birthed such a smokin' son.”

Your selection: Pizza2betrayal&nowisthewinterofourdiscontentpatriciablum

7. Actually, we changed our mind. Passwords must contain only capital letters.

We prefer passwords that scream at you. Much like your nephew when you asked if he would like a book for his birthday.


8. Passwords must contain the breed of the pet fish that introduced you to the concept of mortality when you were six.

Mr. Bubbles. Gone but also forgotten.


9. Passwords must state whether the beach boys’ “California Girls” (1965) or Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” (2010) is more of a quintessential summer bop.

It’s like the SATs but for password-protected websites. Did your nephew mention he’s not that into our product anymore? According to Jimmy, it is so 25 days ago.


10. Passwords must contain the reason you asked Josh, of all people, to the Kappa Sigma Alpha formal when the chemistry was all off.

Josh? Seriously? Girl, we need to talk.


10a. Did it work? Was his hot roommate jealous?

This isn’t part of the password. We’d just like to know.

Your answer: No

And you’re in! Congratulations. Be sure to think about writing down your password before telling yourself that you will remember it. You won’t! It’s all part of the experience.

Bad news—we’re all sold out of that orange glow-in-the-dark scooter thing you were going to buy for your nephew. We shipped the last one when you were on #6. Can we interest you in a more expensive version of the same thing?