Once upon a time, there were three little pigs whose mother got tired of homeschooling. The time had come for the pigs to go to the Jersey Shore for the day to play. Before they left, the mother said, “Whatever you do, don’t catch the coronavirus.”

The first little pig went to a boardwalk bar, met up with single pigs, and sucked down Fearless Rednecks through plastic straws. He thought masks were for tree-hugging liberals, the virus only killed Boomers, and it was all a Democratic hoax to win the election.

The second little pig kind of believed that the virus was a threat, but since his index finger was shorter than his ring finger, he decided he was safe. He wore no mask and socially distanced by collecting driftwood.

The third little pig listened to the doctors and scientists, stayed six feet away from the other pigs, and wore a sturdy, durable mask that he made himself. To pass the time, he created a DIY kiddie pool using bricks.

Later that day, the first little pig shimmied with strangers, got drunk, and swapped spit with a hot little piggy. He even danced a drunk TikTok with a wolf that went viral.

“Why hello, little pig. Why don’t you come closer?” the wolf asked.

The first little pig thought the wolf might have a bump, so he moved closer to the wolf.

“I’ll huff, and I’ll puff and blow tiny droplets into your mouth,” the wolf said.

“Thought you’d never ask, you naughty wolf.” The first little pig opened up his mouth.

The second little pig had just picked up a big piece of driftwood when he met the wolf.

“Why hello little pig, why don’t you come closer?” the wolf asked.

“Stay away from me,” the second little pig said, threatening the wolf with a stick.

“I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow tiny droplets into your mouth.” The wolf showered the little pig with spittle.

The third little pig was also at the beach. He surfed by himself, took leisurely walks, and rested his feet on his brick kiddy pool while he drank vitamin-rich smoothies. He had just finished reading The Lancelet when the wolf appeared.

“Why hello little pig, why don’t you come closer?” the wolf asked.

“You look like you could use some water,” the third little pig said.

“I’ll huff.” Droplets of sweat rolled down the wolf’s face.

“The kiddie pool is awfully refreshing,” the little pig said.

“And I’ll puff.” The sweaty wolf stepped into the pool. “And I’ll blow…. OUCH! MY FEET ARE BURNING!” The wolf cried out as the Clorox dissolved his feet, then his legs, then his torso, then his arms, and lastly, his head.

When the three pigs returned home, Mama Pig was gone. Just to be safe, all three pigs went to the local CVS to get tested for COVID-19.

The first little pig tested positive. While in the hospital, he received treatment for the virus, liver toxicity, and a nasty case of herpes. When he finished treatment, he was excited to return to the bar and suck drinks through paper straws this time. He’d learned his lesson.

The second little pig was lucky. He only suffered a bad sunburn because he had O positive blood, and he wasn't bald. These days, he’s making picture frames with driftwood and carrying around an umbrella.

The third little pig also tested negative for the virus. He is currently replacing his home’s vinyl siding with brick to prepare for whatever else 2020 has in store for them.

Mama Pig never got the virus because she moved to New Zealand with a surfer named Wiley she met online. Mama Pig lived happily ever after.