Please Maintain 6 Feet of Social Distance as We, the Cops, Box You in from All Sides
That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.
Comedy Writing
I’d Prefer to Date Someone Kind and Attractive, But Yes, I Would Settle for a Day-Old Baguette
Don’t tell me I have no standards. I wouldn’t date a slice of bread. That’s like, basically no bread!
The Streaming Services Argue About What to Watch on Basic Cable
Hulu: Ohhh, let me guess, you want to watch something with a Strong Female Lead? Netflix: Honestly, that one gets over-cited.
The Streaming Services Order Brunch
Netflix: I’ve changed my order. I want what Hulu’s having, and I want it delivered first.
Because of #Metoo, Every Time I Meet Another Woman, We Have to Bond, Swap Harassment Stories, Hug, and Drink Each Other’s Blood
The coven of womanhood is strict. I’ve given out more hugs to passersby than I ever wanted. I also have a ton of blood floating types in my body.
Weathermen in a Warming Future
Expect showers outside. Please keep following the ban on indoor showers; it’s hard to believe it's been 20 years since the Great Water War.
Other Things It is Disgusting and Absurd to Suggest This Administration Supports
In addition to not supporting slavery, I, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, would like to lay out very clearly everything else Donald Trump and this administration opposes.
Trump Explains His MySpace Top 8
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
If You Just Sat Still and Tried Bipartisanship, You Might Like the Taste
Sit at the table, young man. You can't have your funding for the border wall until you finish this fiscal deal. Plus, I added some salt.
A Response Letter From Mark Zuckerberg’s Newborn Daughter, August
Hey Dad, I just want to reassure you: I'm not worried about the future. Not even the tiniest amount. Because I'm going to inherit billions of dollars.
Donald Trump’s Google Search History
Go citizen voyeur incognito mode on our president's Google search history. Inhale, breathe, ponder deeply, wonder, pass out.
Why I Switched to the Tent-Based Menstruation System
That's right, women used to spend their menstrual cycle in a tent, free from all men and sanitation. After testing, I agree, it's a bloody great idea.