Netflix: Ok, everyone, I control the remote, so I should get to pick the show we watch.

Hulu: Hm really? Does that sound fair? Because chances are you’ll just suggest a show created by you instead of looking at what’s most popular overall.

HBO NOW: I’d like to watch CSPAN.

Everyone: You would.

YouTube TV: No CSPAN. I want to watch something where everyone’s really young. Are there any shows that only last 4 minutes?

Netflix: There are a lot of shows that most people turn off after 4 minutes.

HBO NOW: Well, that’s a bit rich, coming from someone who decided it’s a great idea to release 10 hours of a television show at a time.

Netflix: The people love House of Cards!

Amazon Video: Excuse me?

Netflix: Loved. Loved. Sorry. No more Kevin Spacey. Stranger Things, though.

Hulu: Switch channels—this is a commercial.

Netflix: Why don’t we just pay $4/month and see if those will go away? Orrrr we could just not have them in the first place!

Amazon Video: I’d like to watch some infomercials. It’d be interesting to see how dinosaurs advertise.

FuboTV: Oohh, did you just flip past a football game?

HBO NOW: Shut up ya dumb jock.

CBS All Access: Can’t you stop channel flipping? Whatever happened to staying on one channel?

Hulu: Sorry we like a little bang for our 6 buck.

CBS All Access: $5.99, and our customers think it’s a great deal!

Hulu: I’m actually really liking this selection.

Netflix: Well, it makes sense that you’d like basic cable.

Hulu: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Netflix: Ya basic!

YouTube TV: I mean, I don’t want to get in the middle of this, but you are kind of basic. I mean—This Is Us?

Netflix: SEEE??

HBO NOW: Netflix, let it go. If you can.

Netflix: Oh, I can let things go.

HBO NOW: Can you really? Because Fuller House isn’t something I ever needed. And as much as I love those Gilmores, seems like someone’s hanging onto the past a little too much.

Netflix: Their fans demanded it! Sorry I crowdsource! And may I remind you that I’m not the one who brought back Roseanne.

CBS All Access: This happens every time we try to pick a show. Netflix and Hulu have at it, and it’s always The Good Fight.

Netflix: I should decide what we watch! I have the best minds in Silicon Valley helping recommend me something great.

YouTube TV: The best minds in Silicon Valley! I beg your pardon!

HBO NOW: Speaking of Silicon Valley

Everyone: Not the time, HBO NOW!

Hulu: Ohhh, let me guess—you want to watch something with a Strong Female Lead?

Netflix: Honestly, that one gets over-cited.

Amazon Video: I just don’t know why I don’t get in the middle of these fights more. I mean, according to the Emmys, I’m a viable contender.

Hulu: (threateningly holds scissors to a cord) Netflix I will CUT YOUR CORD.

Netflix: I don’t need your cord—I’m a streaming service! You know what I’m going to do? Post a spoiler for The Handmaid’s Tale! Then who’ll use your dumb site?

Everyone gasps. A silence falls over the room. SUNDANCE NOW, previously unseen, swivels around in his chair.

Sundance NOW: Guys, guys, stop fighting! Maybe we could watch something on AMC?

Netflix: I didn’t know you were here!

Hulu: I didn’t know AMC was on basic cable!

Amazon Video: Have we met?


Sling Television: Actually, I don’t care what you guys put on basic cable. Because I can watch it internally, anytime I want, for just $20/month.

Basic cable isn't the only thing the streaming services can't decide on—Ginny Hogan envisions them trying to order brunch here

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