Weathermen in a Warming Future

2030

Thanks for tuning in folks. I’m here live in Venice Beach covering the acidic rain that is currently drenching Southern California. They’ve experienced thirty inches of rain in the past three days; only a bionic duck could love this weather! Seriously, what is up with this wacky weather?

Needless to say, it is not a great day to hit the boardwalk, as this rain will burn right through your clothing unless, like me, you’re wearing a radioactive-waste-proof suit courtesy of the fine folks at DICK’S Sporting Goods. Get yours while supplies last.

Back to you, Kevin.

2050

Hurricane Stormi, which is a surprisingly common name for women in their early 30s, is barreling towards what used to be Miami. On a lighter note, if you squint when you look at the DICK’S Sporting Goods Doppler radar map the storm almost looks like a clown who went bowling. What’s up with that? Hopefully, Hurricane Bozo will bowl a gutter ball and spare millions of innocent people their lives.

See what I did there, Kevin?

2100

Expect showers today—outside, of course. Please keep following the government ban on indoor showers; it’s almost hard to believe that twenty whole years have passed since the Great Water War of 2080. Water conflicts notwithstanding, who didn’t love the 80's?

But it will be raining cats and dogs. Yes, you heard me correctly, nordic winds will be picking up just enough to lift up anything weighing less than 45 pounds, so expect your small animals to get taken away and dumped somewhere else if you go outside with them. Specifically Pomeranians, but why did you buy a Pomeranian in the first place, Steve? But if your pets do get carried away, please Instagram photos of them, because as you all know, that’s how we get all our news.

Now back to you, Kevin Jr.

March 1st, 2200

Gooooooooooood moooooooooooorning Vietnam! Sorry Kevin 8.2, I just always wanted to say that.

March 2nd, 2200

Apparently yesterday some viewers were offended by the “callous” reference I made at the start of my broadcast, they claim that it was “insensitive” in light of the “blood tornadoes” that are currently “ravaging” Southeast Asia. To them I say, “HOW CAN I OFFEND THE VIETNAMESE WHEN THEY ALL DIED IN SWIRLING CYCLONES OF GORE?!?!”

Be sure to get some flip-flops on sale at DICK’S Sporting Goods. And by flip-flops, I mean the blood-tornado-proof tent that can flip between being a tent or a sled, and is also a flop in that it didn’t sell at all.

Now back to you, Kev.

2300

Tonight’s going to be a gorgeous one. Following last week’s nuclear holocaust, viewers in the Eastern Hemisphere can expect to see another beautiful radioactive plume. Make sure to tune into Channel 4 for the latest updates on where the best viewing spots are.

2500

Hello and good morning, Dayton, Ohio. The happiest place on Earth, and now the only place on Earth. Partly cloudy with a high of 45. And that’s 45 Neolophite, of course—our new temperature system. Mayor Krima Kardashian—seriously, does anyone know how that family consolidated all the power—should be on the look-out for a pesky radioactive tsunami. It’s back, and it could be a doozy.

But you know what else is a doozy? The March Madness sale going on at DICK’S Sporting Goods. Get there before it’s too late! To be clear, unless you are securely located in one of several government bunkers, it already is too late.

On the bright side, the tsunami is expected to take out all the infertile women today, which is great news—our rations will increase 7%. Yes—you heard me correctly. Tonight, we eat 18 lentils.

3000

Earth’s atmosphere is now toxic yada yada yada if you cannot afford the shuttle to Mars you will almost certainly perish yada yada yada I’ll be broadcasting exclusively on the Red Planet yada yada yada Earth’s forecasts will be handled by my good friend, Dicky the DICK’S Sporting Goods Weather Bot.

Now back to you, KEV-78-99C76.