As you know, we’re living in a pandemic. Contact with other people is very dangerous, as you could risk spreading a disease. We can’t deny that it’s your right to protest peacefully, and you should enjoy this right while it lasts. However, because of the disease, we’d urge you to maintain six feet of social distance from your fellow protestors, even when we, The Cops, box you in from all sides.

If you’re at a protest, and you sense that we, The Cops, are about to shut down the streets and prevent your exit, we’d encourage you to talk to those around you and discuss how you’re going to keep six feet of distance. Maybe some of you will crouch and others will climb trees. Maybe you’ll determine who in the group is more important, and separate those from the herd. Maybe you’ll find inspiration from Honey I Shrunk the Kids—we really can’t say. That’s a “you” problem. We’re just here to box you in, we’re not here to tell you how to uphold your civic duty to not harm others.

If you’re on a bridge and we, The Cops, prevent you from exiting, do not start touching the people around you. We don’t care who you’re trying to stop from jumping, touching people puts you at risk for COVID, and it’s wholly irresponsible. Instead, keep your germs to yourself. We support a small government—with small bridges that can bear an unspecified amount of weight because who wants to spend the money testing them—and we don’t police where your germs go. The only thing we police is everything else.

If you’re getting tear-gassed by us, The Cops, we’d like to remind you that it’s your moral obligation to keep your mask on. You’ve been told to wear a mask at least as many times as the President has insisted he won’t. Even if your face starts to sting, taking off your mask is both fascist and anti-fascist. It’s not our fault—we just spray the gas, how it affects you is your choice.

We also can’t control whether or not you go to jail for staying out ten minutes past curfew, because we didn’t let you leave the 3-block radius you were trapped in. It was your choice to break the law, even if you didn’t see the phone alert about curfew because you had no service because you were trapped in a small space with thousands of people.

If we, The Cops, start firing at you, please be mindful to not scream. Screaming spreads air particles that could spread the virus. Please take our rubber bullets (or regular bullets—who knows!) with your mouths politely closed, for the sake the public health. If you don’t do this and you get COVID as a result, just know that the government is here for you. In spirit. In practicality, we’re shutting down the testing centers and removing funding from hospitals to buy more guns. And, actually, we’re also not here for you in spirit.

If you’re panicking as we, The Cops, descend upon you from all sides, threatening your life, we’d encourage you to ask why you ended up in this situation in the first place. We understand that some were “upset” by the events of the past few days (and weeks, and months, and years, and centuries). Nonetheless, the government didn’t tell you to let your anger get the best of you, that was on you. You can choose not to get upset about needless death—we did.

Finally, we’d just like to remind you who the real enemy is, here. As we, The Cops, drive cars into you take a moment to reflect. The enemy is not us—we’re public servants keeping you safe during a pandemic. And it’s not the government—how can they be an enemy when they do nothing? In fact, it’s not even COVID, even though it did go after upstanding, pure-hearted men like Boris Johnson. The enemy is much more insidious and long-lasting than a disease that will only upend our entire existence for several years. The enemy is, and always has been, Democracy.

Stay safe out there. And also, you're welcome.


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