“By the time President Trump woke up on Thursday morning, he was feeling upbeat. And as he watched television news reports about his fiscal agreement with Democrats, he felt like telling someone.”
The New York Times, 9/7/2017

Sit at the table, young man. You can’t have your funding for the border wall until you finish this fiscal deal. Yes, you’re going to have to work with Democrats, but if you just gave bipartisanship a chance, you might find that it doesn’t taste so bad.

I added a lot of salt, and I know how much you like salt.

Bipartisanship is good for you. It’ll help you grow big and strong and make friends with the media. Well, “friends” is a strong word, but it’ll be good for your press. If you don’t work with the Democrats just this one time, the government might shut down, and we all know what that means: no dessert.

Alright, open the little red door and eat this bipartisanship. Take a little nibble.

See? Is that so bad?

What’s that? Now you want more? You like bipartisanship?

And here you were throwing a fit about having to eat some of it. You were even ready to have a showdown. Aren’t we a little overdramatic this evening? Typical — kids.

Sweetheart, I know you think Chuck and Nancy have been bullying you for months, but I really think you should try to be friends with them. I’m your mother, so I should probably take your side. Truthfully, though, I’m sure whatever happened between the three of you was your fault. They’re sweet kids, they really are. Remember that time you held a fundraiser for Chuck at Mar-A-Lago? What a fun night. I really think if you gave him another chance you could be friends.

Just try a tiny bit of bipartisanship, it might taste better than you think.

No, we can’t turn on CNN right now, and you can’t use your Twitter. We’re at the dinner table, for heaven’s sake. I talked to your teacher, and she agrees that if we eliminate screen time, it’ll cut down on your temper tantrums. If you absolutely must know what people are saying about you, you can read The New York Times.

You don’t know how to read? I thought so. Now stop complaining and finish your bipartisanship.

I knew you’d like it! Would you mind telling some of the other Republicans that bipartisanship isn’t as bad as they thought?

I ran into Paul Ryan’s mother at the playground today, and she says that no matter what she does, she just can’t get Paul to try it. According to her, Paul thinks you’re only going to try bipartisanship because Harvey’s being such a bully right now, but I told his mother that you’re not scared of bullies. You’re not even scared of Nazis! In fact, some of your best friends are Nazis.

Oh, what’s that you say? You want even more bipartisanship? You’d like to work with Democrats to eliminate the debt ceiling, too?

I don’t have any of that right now, but I can make it for breakfast tomorrow if you clean your room.

Now that you’ve realized bipartisanship isn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be, would you like to try some of this other dish I made? It’s called “not provoking nuclear war on Twitter.”

Oh, ok, you’re full for now? Well, maybe another day.