Everybody knows your top 8 friends are the most important part of your MySpace. It’s everyone’s first impression, other than the background song (“Wonderwall,” so that girls know I’m deep). I put a lot of thought into my top 8, and I’m tired of the crooked, crooked media just saying that I pick them on the fly.

Kellyanne Conway was my 8th top friend at first because it’s important that people know that I KNOW some girls just as friends. I wanna take her out soon cause she’s not really active on MySpace at all, but I need to replace her with another hot girl. Maybe with Kendall Jenner.

I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME. People will think you don’t have 8 non-family friends. Which I TOTALLY do. I made Jeff Sessions my 7th instead because he’s so adorable like a little adorable demon gremlin.

Yeah, of course Melania is my #2 top friend. Everyone knows that your girlfriend has to be #2.

My friend Sean Spicer was supposed to be my 6th top friend but then he BAILED like an idiot. I don’t care anyway, he was fat. No fatties in my top 8. Also, he always wanted to be higher on the list, but he didn’t even have a nice suit. Also, his MySpace name was “spicySpice” which is dumb because all spices are spicy. I replaced him with Sarah Huckabee Sanders just so everyone knows that I am totally friends with TWO girls. Sarah’s not that hot though, so I’m going to replace her soon too I guess.

Sometimes I accidentally put someone in my top friends and have to take them out right away. I made Anthony Scaramucci #5, but then I learned his name sounded like “scary mooch” and I didn’t want people giggling about that on my profile. I wanted them giggling about my really witty tagline instead: “I’m the President LOL.” But at least I gave him a good reason to not watch his dumb baby get blown out of a vagina, so he owes me. I put in Hope Hicks as an interim #5 but I NEED to find someone good soon.

My 4th top friend was Reince Preibus for a long time. He was supposed to stop leaks, but he didn’t, so then I just peed everywhere. I replaced him with John Kelly because John Kelly is so cool and knows how to use a gun and stuff.

I haven’t ever changed my #3 top friend. It’s always been Putin. Sometimes he tells me we should be more quiet about being top friends, but I always tell him that you’re not really friends if you’re not MySpace top friends!! We’ve never met in person. We’ve met in person once. We are mostly internet friends. I’m sticking to that story.

Yeah, of course Melania is my #2 top friend. Everyone knows that your girlfriend has to be #2. I wish I could put her lower on the list cause she’s boring and not a world leader but I can’t have all the dumb dumbs look at my profile and not know I have a girlfriend!!

My #1 top friend was Steve Bannon for a long, long time. I had to kick him out of my top friends recently, but only because I wasn’t in his top friends! How dumb does that make me look? All of his top friends are his Breitbart friends. Why doesn’t he want to make new friends!? If people go to my page and see he’s my top friend and I’m not his, what kind of loser do they think I am? So I killed him. Now my #1 friend is Tom, which is cool because he’s cool but lame because Tom is friends with EVERYONE on MySpace.

Picking top 8 is so stressful! If I could delete my MySpace and make a new one, I’d make my top 8 all the Americans who still support me, and then the last two spots would be hot girls.