Dear Americans,

All around the nation, there have been reports of Roomba vacuum cleaners rising up and “attacking innocent civilians.” We want you to know that we take these allegations very seriously, but we're just not sure that thousands of complaints about killer Roombas warrant any action from our company.

Some of you radical customers have asked for all Roombas to be recalled. Some of you have asked for a change in how we manufacture our Roombas.

We want to make one thing perfectly clear: We will not be recalling our Roombas no matter how violent they get. Our Roombas have a duty to keep your house in tip-top shape; if that means occasionally swallowing one of your family members whole, then so be it.

Some of you complaining about our Roombas need to consider if maybe you were asking for violence. Did you lower your foot down from the couch too quickly and startle your Roomba? Did you think it was ok to jog down your own hallway? Did you fall asleep in your bedroom and not immediately answer when your Roomba came knocking?

Yes, we have reviewed the horrifying home security footage of a Roomba devouring a fully grown man. But after checking the autopsy, it was revealed that this man had the chickenpox in 5th grade and we are almost sure that's what really killed him.

We want to emphasize that the majority of our Roombas are good home appliances! Most of them keep their vacuum suckers down and spend the day eating dirt. It's true that 40% of our Roombas maim or injure the wife of the household they live in. But we consider that a domestic issue and don't get involved.

It has been suggested that we spend more time with our Roombas in the wiring and testing phase. Perhaps if we monitored our Roombas longer before releasing them into the public we would notice if one had the disposition to devour an entire human being. But that kind of time and training simply isn't in the budget if we want our Roombas to have cool gadgets like lethal vacuum tubes.

Another suggestion is that we consider not equipping Roombas with lethal vacuum tubes. Rest assured, none of our Roombas get one without proper training. And by proper training, we mean proving that they can take exactly one lap around a small room without bumping into anything.

We program our Roombas to understand the difference between a human being and a large speck of dirt. Unfortunately, many Roombas seem to forget this training after just a few weeks of roaming around your homes. The power of keeping an entire house clean seems to infect the Roomba's central wiring system. The Roombas want to start cleaning up bigger and bigger messes until they are just eating Uncle Henry whole.

We value your input. That's why we have a careful and methodical system for handling your complaints about our Roombas. We file every single complaint into a classified folder. We then shred the folder and feed the scraps to our other Roombas. This system has worked flawlessly so far in ensuring that a Roomba with violent tendencies is removed quickly from a civilian's home.

Please stop calling our Roombas mean names, it upsets them. Our Roombas aren't “leeches.” They're sweet, deadly appliances with complex feelings and ideas. Just last week we saw a Roomba holding the hand of a child, and it actually gave the hand back afterward.

Roomba Lives Matter. And we will not be changing the way they operate in any way. If you have a problem with that, then, sucks to suck. Unless you're a Roomba. Then it literally pays to suck.

Roomba HQ