Dear Valued Mortgage Customer,

At Bank of America, we understand that the COVID-19 pandemic has caused economic difficulties for many of our customers, specifically you, the person who has now missed two mortgage payments in a row. But don't worry. Because at Bank of America, we're committed to doing everything we can to help you pay us all that money you owe us.

We realize you have a lot on your mind these days. How will you pay for groceries? Health insurance? Shoes for little Jimmy? But one thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.

How's that for putting your mind at ease?

And for your convenience, our What U Owe Us App lets you log on from any device to see how much you owe us (a lot), when the payment is due (asap), how many payments you've missed (two so far)—all the things you're too busy to think about while you're desperately looking for a job on LinkedIn, or hitting up your successful sister for a “loan,” or stealing peaches from the orchard down on Rte. 25 because you're literally starving. At Bank of America, we're here for you every step of the way to let you know how much you owe us.

We understand it can be stressful owing a bank lots of money. You know what else is stressful? Being a bank that's owed lots of money. We're like two sides of the same coin of stressfulness, you and us.

You know what would make things a lot less stressful for everyone? You paying us the money you owe us. At Bank of America, we're here to help you do just that.

We realize you've recently lost your job. But don't worry—there are plenty of jobs out there, even in these difficult times, as long as you're willing to adjust your definition of “fair pay.” And while the jobs available right now (and maybe forever) might not be as fair-paying as you'd like, at least they'll provide you with some money to give to us, which is something you haven't done for 78 days now, not that we're counting. (We are absolutely counting.)

Have you considered alternative ways to make money? For example, selling your semen or eggs can be quite lucrative, as can selling the temporary use of your bodily orifices to “johns,” as they're known in the trade. There also seems to be a lot of looting going on these days, so you might want to get in on some of that action. You could even try joining a protest and getting yourself mercilessly beaten or shot or even run over by the cops, then suing the city for a fortune. All we're saying is to maybe think outside the box for ways to earn money—money that you can then give to us, since you owe us so very, very much of it.

Come on, you can do this. We believe in you! Don't get down on yourself. And don't go blaming all your troubles on COVID-19 either. That virus didn't take out a mortgage, you did. This is all on you.

And remember, once you do earn some money (by any means necessary at this point, yes?) you can count on the folks at Bank of America to accept it from you, no problem. We won't let you down!

You see, we like to think of our valued mortgage customers as part of our family. And sometimes in a family, one family member—usually a weird uncle—borrows money from another and then has to find a way to pay it back, even though he's struggling financially. Sound familiar?

At Bank of America, we don't want to have to take your house from you. After all, you're part of our family! But sometimes in a family, the parents have to make the children feel a terrible sadness in order to teach them a lesson. It's called tough love. So if we do end up taking your house, just know that we're doing it for your own good.

If you're having trouble making your mortgage payments (and let's face it, you are), just ask about our mortgage forbearance program. It allows you to stop making payments for a period—which you've already started doing on your own anyway—and once that period is over, you simply continue paying us all the money you owe us, with interest. It's the least we can do for you in these difficult times.

Because at Bank of America, we care. About your health. About your financial well-being. And most of all, about all that money you owe us.


And now a quick joke...

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.