I see you eyeing my lean, cylindrical figure before your 10 AM Zoom call. I don’t blame you, sweetie; I know what I am and I know what I’m worth. I’m tall and light with perfect slender curves that a V-8 could only dream of. You love the way I sound when you pop my top and I love the way you go “ahh” after every sip no matter how grating your Ross Dress For Less-ass ex-fiancé thought it was.

I want you, quirks and all.

Yes, baby, I know. Noon is in my name and the day isn’t quite there yet, but what’s in a name, and what are days anymore anyways? Oh, alcoholism isn’t a quirk? It’s all relative, honey. If Wednesday was Sunday then breakfast would be brunch and no one would think twice about this love connection. Look, I know what it feels like to be wanted and this is it. Throw a couple of frost-bitten Eggos in the toaster and whisk me away into some Log Cabin syrup if you have to. I can be your sweet, sweet breakfast treat.

Come on, handsome. Don’t you close that refrigerator door on me. That’s right, keep it open, just like that. Show me those big hazel eyes. Ponder. Fantasize. Justify.

You’ve already had your coffee! You’ve half-heartedly answered a few emails! You’ve walked the dog! Honey, you even put on pants with metal buttons before 9 AM, and may I say, “Dat ass!”

Shhhhh. Quiet that big, beautiful mind. Do you have a genetic predisposition to addiction? Ok, sure, but don’t we all? This is a PAN-DEM-IC, BA-BY; there are no rules, and you are not your father!

Riddle me this, boo: how can you get another D.U.I. if your commute ends at the futon and your Hyundai's still locked inside the impound lot? Exactly. At most, we’ll saunter over to 7-Eleven for Jalapeño Cream Cheese Taquitos and a pack of Parliament Lights.

Oh, you’re trying to quit? Uh huh, me too. Wink, wink.

The bottom line here, sugar, is don’t you deserve to let loose in your own damn kitchen every once in a while? I know that it’s 9:48 AM, but I thought we agreed that time is relative.

No, I don’t care that you haven’t brushed your teeth yet because I am here for all of you. Every. Inch. Let me wrap myself around that plaque and tartar and coat your enamel. That’s right, I’m a naughty girl and I didn’t come here to wait around until 5 PM to get what I want. I’m a boss-ass bitch and I came here to love you unconditionally. And to remind you that your dentist’s office will likely be closed for at least another 30 days. See? Tasty and strategic. Mmmm.

Oh, you have to give the steering committee an update in 12 minutes on where your organization stands as we near the end of the fiscal year? That’s okay, babe. Pour me into that kitschy mug from last year’s company picnic and you can do us both at the same time. Oops, was that too forward?

Look, all I’m trying to say here, baby, is that I’m good for more than a good time; I’ve got the brains for business too. Whose idea do you think it was to sell my brand for $2/can, making a 12-pack upwards of $25? Mine. All mine. I have ideas, and I am here to support you, the whole you. I am here to lift you up across every facet of your life—morning, noon, or night. I hear you, I see you, and I am ready to be your bonafide life partner. Does that sound like “co-dependency” to you? I didn’t think so.

Wait, honey, don’t close the refrigerator do—ah, so you want to play hard to get?

Mmm. Ok. I like that. I appreciate a lover who plays up the tension before giving in. Someone who tries to kid himself. Someone who enjoys the exhilaration of the chase, the anticipation, the titillation. It only makes me want you more and I trust that I'm not alone in that. Don't get it twisted, now, sweetie; your validation doesn't define my self-worth because I know who I am, but believe me when I say that I am secure enough to wait. I’ve got all day, baby. I just know I don’t need it because you’ll be back in 3…2…1…

Pop!

“Ahh…”


And now a quick joke...

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.