Emma Woodhouse – Still wears fabulous silks to her breakfast of 1. Immediately adopts a foster cat, and sews masks to donate. Calls her dad every day and aims to do a lot of Zoom workouts, but ends up doom scrolling on Twitter.

Elinor Dashwood– Creates a 1 week, 3 month, year 1 and 2 plan. Already had a garden, and sourdough starter. Not a doomsday prepper, but not not a doomsday prepper.

Marianne Dashwood – Begrudgingly does social distancing, but is sure it’ll all blow over “in like 2 weeks tops.” Is the first to get sick, but turns out it’s the flu, and she still looks hot somehow during???

Mr. Collins – Refuses to stay indoors. Claims that being outside is “but very natural” and “against the will of god.” Willing to protest, but only if he can stand behind the richest, oldest protester.

Ms. Elizabeth Bennet – Quietly goes about her sensible life. You have no idea what she’s doing because she deleted all of social media quietly, again sensibly. Runs outside with a mask, and buys stamps to save the USPS.

George Wickham – Talks a big game about how he’s totally fine, and takes a lot of pictures with his sourdough starter. If you look carefully at his Instagram, you see he hasn’t changed clothes once in two months.

Frank Churchill – Promises to text, but occasionally slides into your Instagram DMs. Occasionally sends lavish presents, and definitely hasn’t broken up with the girl he swears he isn’t seeing.

Mr. Bingley – Headed back to his parents' mansion the moment shit went down. Makes hilarious parody videos in front of his pool. Tanned—like, so tanned.

Ms. Caroline Bingley – Does a lot of Instagram Lives, and keeps trying to pass off bread as her own. Secretly goes to Whole Foods every day, and doesn’t tip any of her delivery workers.

Mr. Willoughby – Will not stop asking for nudes. You know his girlfriend’s pregnant, but he keeps saying “ex” while tweeting photos of their dog and saying he’s #gratitude.

Capt. Wentworth – Your high school crush who ghosted you on prom night waits 10 years and then sends you the most passionate email of all time. You reunite—his words are that good.

Mr. Elton – Claps at 8pm for healthcare workers, but still hangs out with his friends because one of his bros would’ve already caught it by now amirite?

Mr. Darcy – Seems to be not taking it very seriously. Actually working with the NIH to fund new vaccines in the background. When asked why, he says “for you.”

Mr. Knightley – Reads international newspapers, stocked his basement, and pre-ordered extra PPE to donate to healthcare workers. Asks about your father constantly, and leaves thoughtful contactless presents at your door.


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