My skincare regimen is super simple. I don’t use fancy products (serums and toners are a scam, sorry), but every evening I take my makeup off using a gentle cleanser. And I abide religiously by three principles: stay out of the sun, get plenty of sleep, and bathe in the blood of virgin women.

Some scholars (looking at you, Naomi Wolf) have argued that “staying out of the sun” is just a trick to keep women confined indoors. As someone who knows a lot about keeping women confined indoors, I can assure that there are lots of ways to lead a full life without risking too much sun exposure. When I am walking the grounds of Čachtice castle in Slovakia, keeping an eye out for orphaned maidens, I always wear a hat or veil. When I’m in town, I stay on the shady side of the lane, to protect my skin and to avoid being noticed as I follow those maidens home.

As for sleep, I realize that my privilege as the niece of the King of Poland allows me more leisure time than others. With that said, the best way to ensure a deep and restful night’s sleep is to get plenty of exercise during the day. After a few hours torturing peasants in my underground lair, I’m out like a light, no matter how loud the screaming gets.

The most important element of my skincare routine is my weekly bath in the blood of virgins. I find that virgins around thirteen years old, with B-positive blood, are the best for keeping my skin clear and bright, but a spinster with an intact hymen works in a pinch. Don’t be afraid to experiment to figure out what works best for you. It’s best to get in the tub just as the last virgin is done bleeding out (it typically takes 3-4 to fill the tub), that way the blood is still warm. I submerge myself completely, then gently massage my whole body, starting with my face and working down to my toes, and being extra gentle on the tender skin under my eyes and chin. Afterward I sometimes spend a few minutes just splashing around for fun.

I’ve been asked if it’s “anti-feminist” to prioritize my looks above the lives of servant girls. Critics say it’s “typical of the leisure class” to “claim empowerment from vanity while exploiting peasants to their literal death.” But your skin is the largest organ in your body. Doesn’t it—and you—deserve the highest quality care? It’s the birthright of all women, not just descendants of the Hapsburgs, to feel beautiful and confident.

It’s true that not everyone has access to virgin blood. That’s feudal Transylvanian capitalism for you! But please, please don’t let knock-off virgin blood anywhere near your skin: if it comes from a woman who has known the pleasures of carnal flesh, it simply will not deliver youth-preserving results. Even if it was “just the tip.” (Anal is okay.)

No matter how patchy, dry, flaky, wrinkly, saggy or oily you are today, with the right combination of sleep, staying away from the sun, and bathing in the blood of virgins, you can look like the strong, radiant, utterly terrifying to behold monster goddess you are.

Also, drink water.


And now a quick joke...

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).