1. Walking. Just take a casual walk down the street. There’s nothing more peaceful than a walk. Take it slow.
2. Strolling. You might say, “Hey, isn’t this similar to the last one?” Nope! Strolling is something to do when you want to go at an even slower pace than normal walking. Move like you’re a white man in any 1950’s film, that’s strolling.
3. Strutting. “Now wait a minute, isn’t that just a synonym for strolling?” you might be saying, but you’re wrong again! Strutting is like strolling but you’re more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you’re a woman in any 1950’s film, that’s strutting.
4. Plodding. I can already hear you saying, “These seem like they’re synonyms you pulled off of Thesaurus.com,” but you’re so unbelievably wrong! Plodding is similar to walking, but it’s slow and unexciting, which is the exact opposite of strutting or strolling. Take it even slower than you thought possible.
5. Sauntering. I can feel it. You’re angry. You’re saying, “This is ridiculous and no different than the last one, you’re just fooling us into feeling like we have more options!” But you could not be a dumber idiot. Sauntering is a whole new movement experience. Imagine trying to strut underwater, that’s sauntering. You’ll never have moved slower than this.
6. Lumbering. I just know you’re saying, “Fuck you, there’s nothing fun to do outside!” but I can’t begin to emphasize how stupid you are for thinking that. Lumbering isn’t just about moving slowly, it’s about moving awkwardly too. Imagine walking during a large earthquake with your limbs moving all about.
7. Ambling. Yes, I’ve received your hate mail and death threats, but I stand by my list of highly diverse activities that you can do outside right now. You might not believe me, but ambling is radically different than any of these previous activities that you called, “obvious synonyms from a deranged weirdo that even a three-year-old could notice.” The difference? It starts with the letter “A.”