Every Situation Where I Would Literally Say, “That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles”
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
Tag: Expressions
Every Situation in Which I Would Literally Say, “You Snooze, You Lose”
I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”
I Will Bravely Die in a Roman Arena, but Please Don’t Make Me Say “I’m Spartacus” in Front of a Crowd
I just get so nervous, so convinced that I'll reverse "beaten" and "bound," or forget to say "by the sword," and all the guys will laugh at me.
122 More-Fitting Rapper Names That Start with “Lil'”
You've heard of Lil' Wayne and Lil' Kim, but doesn't Lil’ Dipper, Lil’ Sidetracked by Social Media, and Lil’ Antsy make so much more sense?
NPR Program or Slang from Your Gen Z Coworker?
Was that something you overheard on your Zoom call this week, or from the radio in the kitchen? Hard to tell, but lit regardless.
What Your Email Sign-Off Says About You
Best wishes: You are a cold-blooded sadomasochist who is fully aware that by vocalizing one's wishes, they will never come true.
This Is a Message from “The Stinky Bandit”
Maybe you thought being stinky was intentional on my part, like I decided my “gimmick” is that I’m the bank robber who stinks?
List: Insults More Effective Than “Suck My Cock,” Because Lots of People Like Doing That
"Weed My Flower Beds" – I dare you to tell the difference between a weed and some bullshit my wife planted. I friggin’ dare you!
How to Pronounce the Names of White Male Politicians
Mike [ mahyk ] Pronounced: “my khh” Rhymes with: “yikes!” Common mispronunciations: Matt, Mark How to remember: Mike is short for “open mic night.”
LEAKED: Anagrams of White House Officials’ Names Used as Secret Service Codenames
The Secret Service have used anagrams for White House codenames since Hairball Conman (Abraham Lincoln). These are the Trump administration aliases.
11 Things Craft Beer Geeks Say About Their Nectars and What They Really Mean
Say: "I’m getting leather notes and a hint of tobacco." Mean: "I wish I could still watch John Wayne movies unironically."
7 Radically Different Things You Can Do Outside During a Pandemic
Strutting is like strolling but you're more posed and thoughtful. Pretend you're a woman in any 1950's film, that's strutting.