List: Popular Adages Revised for Passive-Aggressive People
Better safe than to have to say sorry. / A perceived slight is worth a thousand words. / You can't teach an old dog new tricks with that attitude.
Tag: Expressions
List: Texts That, in Hindsight, I Probably Shouldn’t Have Responded to with “K”
"You are tearing our family apart." / "Your dog just threw up on my new shoes." / "Can you pick me up a pregnancy test when you’re out?"
An Excerpt “From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts”
Standing on his tiptoes, he craned over their hunched heads, hoping to get a glimpse of the candidates.
A Referee Job Description, Written by the Coach Whose Team Lost the Youth Basketball Championship
This is a flexible position, in that you can decide when you are going to do any damn work even though you’re getting paid for it.
List: Freudian Slip Exclamations
This is going to hell in a hand-job! / What in masturbation?! / Fallopian out loud! / No shit, short-cock.
List: Suggested Reading for Your Not-Woke-Enough 6-Year-Old
The Little Engine That Lost Its Medicare - After losing a spoke while transporting cargo, The Little Engine is no longer able to afford repairs.
List: How to Get to Places Other Than Carnegie Hall
How to get to Music Hall of Williamsburg: Practice, check into rehab for heroin addiction, practice some more.
List: What to Say When Someone Grabs Your Hand to Ogle Your Engagement Ring
"The stone was my Great Aunt Shelley’s! But keep that to yourself... if she knows I stole it from her, she’ll cut me out of her will."
Quiz: “Forrest Gump” or Jonestown?
"Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do."
List: Offensive Tweets From Jerk Birds
ka-ha-ka-ha kuk-kuk-KUK | Translation: I’ve got nothing against European starlings. They should just go back where they belong.