“Wash My Windows” Nobody likes doing windows, and I’ve got a big ol’ house. Burn!

“Butter My Toast” I keep my butter in the fridge, so it’s all hard and you’ll rip the toast and scatter crumbs everywhere. Owned!

“Weed My Flower Beds” I dare you to tell the difference between a weed and some bullshit my wife planted. I friggin’ dare you!

“Squeeze My Guinea Pig” You’re gonna get an ear piercing squeal, and sometimes you’ll get pooped on with these hard little poops. It’s not at all pleasant, so there!

“Escape My Escape Room” I didn’t put much thought into building the room, so it’s an admittedly dull way to spend an hour, and the $30 is non-refundable. Take that!

“Slap My Grandma”  Believe me, Grandma can take a punch, and she’ll smack you back three times as hard. Your jaw’ll get broken by a wiry old lady. Ha!

“Powder My Wig” I’ll be a Founding Father and you’ll be my lowly valet who keeps my curly coiffure looking real nice as I sweat through it in non-air-conditioned colonial halls. Gross!

“Manage My Sweatshop” There are rumblings on the floor about forming a union. Good luck with all those Norma Raes!

“Reverse My Climate Change” My love of chlorofluorocarbons is staunch, so I’m no help. This may be impossible with today’s politics, so what I’m really saying is, “I hope your futile efforts slowly drive you insane.” Zing!

“Lick My Butt”  Actually, no, a quick internet search shows lots of people like doing that too. Nevermind!


MORE LIKE THIS