Best: You are a caricature of a real human who doesn't realize people are laughing at you, not with you. Best what? Best we stop this conversation while we are ahead, I say? You fail to finish your thoughts and speak primarily in outdated idioms. Family and friends often compare your communication style to that of the endearing yet slightly racist anthropomorphic rooster, Foghorn Leghorn.

Best wishes: You are a cold-blooded sadomasochist who is fully aware that by vocalizing one's wishes, they will never come true. Your pastimes include returning clothes you wore for a single event, twirling your perfectly coiffed facial hair, and setting small fires.

Best regards: You are a serial dater, an unreliable employee, and an entitled only child. In a nutshell, this says, “It's unlikely we will ever communicate again, which is probably for the best given my extensive history of toxic relationships.” It is specifically designed for ceasing contact with exes (for the third time), declining invitations to events, and follow-ups to unsuccessful interviews wherein a company “decided to go in another direction.”

Warm regards: You are on the verge of a mental breakdown and lack the ability to interpret basic social cues. This provocative sign-off begs the question, are regards inherently cold, necessitating that you attach a temperature to them? Alternatively, is it that regards are best served warm?

With love: You are either extremely courteous or a pervert. To be used exclusively in obligatory thank-you messages to your wacky distant relatives who acknowledged an important birthday or graduation of yours with a laughable sum of money, neglecting to adjust for decades of inflation.

Talk soon: You are most likely in grave danger and en route to a safe house, equipped with foreign currencies, unnecessarily large firearms you are not properly trained to discharge, and an array of adhesive mustaches à la Spy Kids.

Looking forward to hearing from you: You are Machiavellian and extremely neurotic, expecting others to maintain the same compulsive email-checking habits as you. Whether or not the recipient's reply is positive or negative, you need closure and instant gratification.

Go team!: You frequently reminisce about your “glory days” and live vicariously through your poorly-behaved children, who are forced to participate in whatever dumb sport you played. You regularly exacerbate the gender pay gap by watching men's games exclusively, and are known to call your peers “champ,” “buddy,” and “son” in the most condescending, patriarchal way possible.

Cheers: You are a natural-born citizen AND current resident of a Commonwealth nation, or else this is wholly inappropriate. If used consistently during business hours, you have a problematic past with alcohol and should consider checking into a 30-day treatment facility.

Respectfully: You've said something in the body of your email that can be misconstrued as disrespectful; this is the digital version of “No offense.”

Faithfully: You are a sex-crazed lunatic who operates entirely from your primitive lizard brain. This is the most erotic email sign-off possible, inspired by the namesake second single of Journey's eighth studio album, “Frontiers.” Between the ballad's apt lyrics “Sending all my love along the wire,” and eliciting images of lead singer Steve Perry's sweaty torso, rest assured the recipient of this one-word panty-dropper is scheduled for an evening of robust, monogamous, missionary love-making.

Sincerely: If you have to say you're sincere, are you really?

Sent from my iPhone: Just fucking backspace 19 times, you inconsiderate animal.


And now a quick joke...

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows. Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.