I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”
IF I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I GREW UP IN A BIG FAMILY—I HAD 7 OTHER SIBLINGS. I’D GET NOTICED ONLY IF I YELLED REAL LOUDLY.
Doctor Zhivago vs. Babe – This talking pig is out for revenge against the Russian physicist and poet who ate his brother.
When a store cashier asks if you found everything you need, it is against the law to say, ''No, I couldn't find granola with almonds and raisins.''
Best wishes: You are a cold-blooded sadomasochist who is fully aware that by vocalizing one's wishes, they will never come true.
Early Adopters: The line you wished you’d gotten into to get the better kids than the ones you’re in lockdown with.
Cabin Fever Delight - Hot dogs sizzle over a space heater because you’ve officially lost it. Time is nothing but a construct.
Mike [ mahyk ] Pronounced: “my khh” Rhymes with: “yikes!” Common mispronunciations: Matt, Mark How to remember: Mike is short for “open mic night.”
Despite what you see on the Zoom, I don’t sunburn easily. (When we can't think of a fun fact, my current boss tells us to try a humblebrag.)
Let us sing the cleverest of songs for Trader Joe-San whose punny word play on the Japanese honorific translated to "Mr. Trader Joe."
Conversations I’d Rather Have Than the One Where We Talk About How Quarantine Has Made Us Lose Track of What Day It Is
The one where I try to explain to my conservative step-father who doesn’t see color that calling protestors "thugs" is racist.
Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”