All politicians want to have sex with Paul Rudd.
- The Bibliophile - Angela Lansbury - This Love (Taylor’s Version)
Perfect Songs for 12 Scenarios When You’re Shaving Parmesan over a Plate of Fettuccine Alfredo and Waiting for the Patron to Say “When”
When it’s clear the patron isn’t saying “when” anytime soon and your mind starts to wander.
Phork: This is an eating utensil composed of a traditional fork and a Phil Collins action figure.
If you hear Wham!’s “Last Christmas” at Trader Joe’s, stop shopping immediately and guzzle a 32 oz. carton of eggnog. Post #Whamanogageddon!
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether: A. JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed. B. The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.
11. Most of the Go-Go’s songs were originally about Belinda Carlisle’s appetizers.
Are You the Lady in Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” or Are You the Lady in This Kiel James Patrick Ad?
Of this you are sure: a. All that glitters is gold b. All the apples in this bushel will make delicious cider for us to enjoy around the fireplace
A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation.
Doctor Zhivago vs. Babe – This talking pig is out for revenge against the Russian physicist and poet who ate his brother.
When I hear this song, I remember how Krakenfuss kept her grocery store open on Christmas Eve. She was the richest person in town and the meanest.
We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.