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Ponzi Cream: This is when you buy a cow, milk it, use the milk to make ice cream, take the ice cream to the local farmer’s market, and when someone asks you if your ice cream will exacerbate their IBS or diabetes or whatever else, you tell them “No” and so they buy it.

Ponzi Stream: This is when you don scuba gear and hide underwater in public fountains into which people throw coins and make wishes. When no one is looking you gather the coins and flee. Ponzi did this all the time.

Ponzi Hawkins Dance: This is from when one day at Ponzi's school, the girls got to ask the boys to the dance and none of the girls asked Ponzi because he was so devious so that night, Ponzi snuck into the coat room and stole all the money people had left in their coats, a few cashmere scarves, a fancy umbrella, and a silver-plated cigarette lighter.

Ponzi No. 5: This is when you pee in fancy-looking bottles and try to sell the pee-filled bottles to high-end retailers, passing them off as exotic eau de parfums. Ponzi had this idea when he went to buy his wife some perfume for her birthday.

Oysters Ponzi: This is when you are at a restaurant and you order oysters on the half shell topped with butter, bread crumbs, pureed spinach and green herbs, and then broiled, and you eat them and you leave without paying your bill. Ponzi invented this at a restaurant in New Orleans.

A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation. Ponzi would often say, “Lovely to cheat you” when he met someone instead of “Lovely to meet you.” He’d laugh it off but every now and again, such a Ponzian slip would raise an eyebrow.

Ponzi Warnings: This is when you walk into a doughnut shop, tell the cashier and the baker that they have the right to remain silent and anything they say can and will be used against them. These doughnut shop personnel typically don’t want anything they say to be used against them, so they let you eat all the doughnuts you want. For free! I suppose you can do this at other kinds of shops but Ponzi only did it at doughnut shops.

Ponzinomics: These are the economic policies promoted by Ponzi, characterized mostly by the theory that by reducing taxes on Ponzi, Ponzi would be stimulated to make investments in the short term which would benefit society in the long term.

Ponzi's 11: This is from when Ponzi got out of jail and asked his ten friends to help him rob a Las Vegas casino.

The Ponzi Method: This is from when Ponzi taught kids how to play the violin by mimicking the skills they used for language acquisition and then once the kids become adept at violin playing, he taught them how to act blind, put them on a subway platform, made them play during rush hour, and then took 50% of what people threw in the kids' open violin cases.

Ferris Ponzi's Day Off: This is when you pretend to be sick so your parents let you skip school so you and your friends pretend to be Abe Froman so you can have lunch at Chez Quis.

Ponzi's Razor: One day Ponzi developed the principle that the simplest explanation for why you don't have any money is often because you spent it but also Ponzi could have taken it.

The Ponzicratic Oath: This is the oath doctors who charge $15 per Tylenol pill take.

Fettucini Ponzi: This is when you and your friend Alfredo work in an Italian restaurant and Alfredo cooks some long flat noodles and then says, “let's top these long flat noodles with a creamy cheese and butter sauce” and you say, “Let’s use margarine because it’s cheaper.”

The Ponzi Maneuver: This is when you and your friend Heimlich are at a restaurant (it could be Italian but it doesn’t have to be) and when someone starts to choke your friend Heimlich, always quick on his feet, squeezes the person until they dislodge the thing upon which they are choking. During the commotion, you empty the till. Ponzi would do this and would even be so bold as to sit down and finish his meal!

Bill & Ponzi's Excellent Adventure: This is when you build a time machine and use it to go back in time to sporting events for which you already know the outcome and bet on the sporting events to make gobs of money.

Ponzi's Gun: This is the dramatic principle developed by Ponzi when he was playwriting that says if you introduce a gun in the first Act you must use it to hold up the theater ticket booth lady after intermission

Ponzi Hard: This is when you are at Nakatomi Tower and Mr. Takagi tells you that they have $640 million in untraceable bearer bonds in the vault and so you call your cousin Hans Gruber to come steal them

A Ponzi Diagram: This is from when Ponzi drew two circles to show the relationship between two things and then told the investors they could be in the warm and comfy shaded area if they invested in his “company.”


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