Uncle Roger: I did not get a vaccine because I don’t want a microchip under my skin.
Cousin Lucy: Your table is located in the backyard behind the shed.
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether,
- The KKK was founded to persecute Catholics.
- JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed.
- The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.
- Scientists know things.
- All of the Above
Stuffing is everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving dish. Wine is everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving beverage. Since wine is made from grapes and raisins are dried grapes, Aunt Connie adding raisins to the stuffing will make it even better.
Which of the following is most true?
- Aunt Connie puts two bricks of cream cheese in all her slow cooker recipes.
- Beer is a vegetable since hops grow in the ground.
- Strawberry gelatin, pretzels, and whipped topping are a salad.
- Aunt Connie has lost her damn mind.
- Why, Aunt Connie, why?
Owen and Maureen have similar interests, attended the same high school, worked as lifeguards one summer, and never used sunscreen. Aunt Lisa has hypothesized that Owen and Maureen are romantically involved.
Which of the following would be most useful to know in order to evaluate Aunt Lisa’s hypothesis?
- Whether Owen and Maureen are cousins
- How much pot Owen and Maureen smoked when they left the dinner table to go for a walk
- Whether Owen is hung
- What Facebook recon Aunt Lisa has done on Maureen’s ex-boyfriend
- Whether Owen likes raisins in the stuffing
There will be ten people attending Thanksgiving—Lucy, Maureen, Aunt Connie, Owen, Paola, Quentin, Raymond, Samatha, Teagan, and Umberto. During the meal, each guest will talk exclusively about one of the following ten topics—Wes Anderson, Bitcoin, Corns and bunions, Death, Election fraud, Intro to Philosophy, Gas prices, Horoscopes, Ivermectin, and Ketogenic diets.
The seating chart and conversation topics are subject to the following conditions:
- Raymond is (still) talking about election fraud.
- Surprisingly, Aunt Connie is not talking about corns and bunions.
- Teagan is talking about death. Obviously.
- The person talking about Intro to Philosophy is sitting next to the person who is talking about bitcoin. At last year’s Thanksgiving, both were talking about Elon Musk.
- The person talking about Ivermectin basted the turkey with it to own the libs.
- Why is Aunt Connie here? If gas prices are so fucking high then why didn’t Aunt Connie just stay the fuck home? (That is not to suggest Aunt Connie is the one talking about gas prices.)
Where is Paola sitting?
- Next to Raymond
- Next to the person talking about how much weight they have lost on a ketogenic diet
- Between Owen and Maureen, who have been flirting with each other all evening
- Next to the person who just pointed out that with Mercury rising
- All of the above
If Umberto is talking about Wes Anderson, which of the following must be true?
- Aunt Connie is playing footsies with Quentin.
- Raymond is wearing a blue shirt.
- Umberto met Paola on Tinder, ghosted her after three dates, and is now romantically involved with Aunt Connie.
- The person talking about bitcoin brought a bag of canned goods to the food drive. (For the record, I’ve seen that bag of canned goods and most of the cans were expired garbage from the back of the cupboard. Like expired cherry pie filling and garbanzo beans. Gee, thanks. I’d rather eat the grass from the park.)
- All of the above
The ten people each brought at least one of the following Thanksgiving dishes– mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cranberry sauce, rolls, sweet potatoes, baked beans, brussel sprouts, and mac and cheese.
The following conditions apply:
- Paola did not bring canned cranberry sauce.
- The person who brought the mashed potatoes is asking people what time they were born and has tarot cards in their glove compartment.
- We need to find out if Owen and Maureen are technically cousins.
- Raymond did not bring the rolls and is allergic to pecans.
- The person who brought the mac and cheese is sitting across from the person who brought the sweet potatoes.
- Quentin is seated between the person who brought the green bean casserole and the person who brought the baked beans.
- Samantha brought the green bean casserole and does not follow basic food safety protocols.
- If Aunt Connie put raisins in the stuffing this year I am going to kick her in her big floppy throat. (Again, not to suggest that Aunt Connie brought stuffing but she has in the past and she put raisins in the stuffing and it’s like “why Aunt Connie? why?”)
- Uncle Roger brought Raymond a piece of pecan pie because Uncle Roger sucks. What is Uncle Roger doing in this question? He is supposed to be at his table behind the shed.
If Quentin ends up passed out under the table, what dish did Lucy bring?
- Fuck you, Aunt Connie.
- Pumpkin pie
- Canned cranberry sauce
- Fried bitcoin
If Samantha brought more than the green bean casserole, what else did she bring?
- Baked beans
- Social awkwardness
- Uncle Roger’s Cialis
If Teagan brought baked beans,
- Who the fuck is Teagan?
- He is dating Uncle Roger.
- Why would anyone eat baked beans at Thanksgiving and who the fuck would bring them? Like who wants to expend valuable stomach real estate on baked beans?
- He made a bong out of the canned cranberry sauce.
- He is mansplaining Thanksgiving to Aunt Connie.