This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
- A nine-year-old who will be upset later that there’s no gravy for his potato volcano
"It’s a Wonderful Life When Compared to Everyone Else at This Bar" - George Bailey's guardian angel offers perspective.
My dead eyes do not say, “Someone help me! Management won’t let me retire!”
"So, how’s that so-called ‘job’ of yours going?"
It absolutely snuck up on me, even though I’m 32 years old and have lived in the tri-state area my entire life.
I’ve seen more get-togethers than Uncle Harold, may he rest in peace. He sat his ample frame on me dozens of times. His bum was one of the good ones.
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
Uncle Roger and cousin Lucy disagree about whether: A. JFK Jr. came back to life and is living in cousin Lucy’s shed. B. The war on Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving.