To all media outlets and law enforcement officials,

Guess who? That’s right, it’s me, The Stinky Bandit. The most prolific criminal this city has ever known. Ten bank robberies in the past two months and you’re still no closer to catching me. Are you enjoying our little cat-and-mouse game? I know I am 😉 I will strike again soon, and the next robbery will be my biggest to date.

One other thing while I have you: please stop referring to me in the news as “The Stinky Bandit.”

I’ve taken great care to disguise my identity during my robberies, but apparently eyewitnesses have unanimously told police, “The guy who did it was stinky.” You all seem to have settled on referring to me as “The Stinky Bandit.” I know I am a serial thief who has made a habit of publicly taunting law enforcement, but at the end of the day, I still have feelings. Behind this ski mask there is a human being and inside that human is a beating heart.

Maybe you thought being stinky was intentional on my part, like I decided my “gimmick” is that I’m the bank robber who stinks? To be clear, that is not the case. The whole “stinky” thing is not something I knew about myself until I turned on the news to revel in my crimes and everyone was calling me “The Stinky Bandit.” I hate it.

I love the idea of having a criminal nickname, I just want it to be something cool like “The Zodiac Killer” or “Jack the Ripper.” Those guys murdered people and they got rewarded with cool nicknames. It doesn’t seem fair. My crimes are completely victimless so I don’t know why I’m getting fucked here.

At first I didn’t think the whole “stinky” thing would stick but here we are. I even made sure to douse myself in cologne for my last robbery to try and shake the nickname but I guess I chose a bad scent because it was reported as my “stinkiest crime yet.”

Eyewitnesses also described me to police as being pretty tall so I don’t understand why you couldn’t just lock in on the “tall” angle. Why not “The Tall Bandit”? I’m pretty certain that I’m taller than I am stinky. I have to believe that.

Obviously I completely understand you trying to catch and arrest me—that’s how this works, and in fact it’s a gigantic thrill for me—but you can do that without name-calling. You don’t see me calling you guys names like “Stinky Policeman” or “Dumpy Crime Reporter” or “Stuttering Eyewitness.” We’re all adults here.

For my own benefit, I decided to do the legwork for you and come up with some other nicknames that you can use instead of “The Stinky Bandit.” Here they are:

  • The Slippery Swindler
  • The Odorless Desperado
  • Mr. Steals-Your-Cash
  • The Good-Smelling Marauder
  • Dr. Robbery
  • The Fine-Fragranced Vagrant
  • The Bank Hater
  • The Aromatic Intruder
  • Coronel Outlaw
  • The Pleasant-Scented Prowler
  • Sgt. Steals-a-Lot
  • Sir Sticky Fingers, The Bank Robber Who Smells Good

You can even use my actual first name, I don’t care. It’s Lucas. How about “Lucas the Tall Robber”? I like that. How are we feeling about “Lucas the Tall Robber”? I think that’s the one to beat so far.

Anyway, as I’ve said: I will strike again soon, biggest robbery to date, you’ll never catch me, blah blah blah. When you report my next crime, let’s go ahead and pivot to the new nickname and retire “The Stinky Bandit.”

Thank you (and also watch out),

Lucas the Tall Robber