Stage 1: Shelter-In-Place

Stage 1b: Roommates may continue seeing their casual hook-up who they assure you is otherwise self-isolating, so it should be fine

Stage 1c: CDC advises disinfecting all frequently touched surfaces with homemade 70% or higher alcohol solutions, like you’re Walter White or something

Stage 2: Essential businesses, such as your upstairs neighbor’s anvil-dropping service, may re-open

Stage 2b: Frat houses across the street are permitted to determine, at their own discretion, when they are bored of quarantine and resume partying

Stage 2c: Delivery of take-out may resume – CDC advises peering judgmentally between the slats of your blinds as the delivery driver approaches to ensure they are following protocol

Stage 2c (i): By now everyone should be making sourdough

Stage 2d: Outside gatherings such as birthday parties in parks are permitted, since Jason is positive he had corona in February and Ashley is 99% sure she’s immune since she saw Jason a week ago and shared a joint and feels fine

Stage 3: Everyone else but you is allowed to have fun now

Stage 3c: Wear a face mask in public, unless you’re running, bicycling, rollerblading, skateboarding, walking the dog, kite-flying, juggling, woodworking, practicing tai-chi, breakdancing, miming, doing that thing where you spray-paint yourself silver and pretend to be a statue, pranking kids who think you actually are a statue, speed-walking, horse-riding, getting lost in the glow of the city at sunset with the love of your life, rediscovering what it means to even BE alive, and gardening

Stage 3d: CDC advises to pick whichever conflicting news article or random blog post best matches your level of paranoia or recklessness

Stage 4: Fuck it, Shelter-In-Place ends – virus or not, we didn't overthrow a damn monarchy to be told when and where we get our haircut. God Bless America!