Thank you for coming to this briefing. I’d like to take this opportunity to address some of the rumours and reports in the press that my behaviour has in some way broken the strict quarantine rules that I helped create for our great country. I want to make it abundantly clear that I have not broken the rules.

I know some people have been very keen to point out that I did indeed allow people into my home, however the guidance is clear that having a man to help with plumbing in an emergency is permissible. Some are drawing attention to his attire and that he may or may not have been wearing a jaunty party hat. I’d like to make it crystal clear that protective wear comes in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Furthermore, there have been scurrilous articles that would have people believe I was hosting some sort of party on the night of Monday the 25th of May. I have been having an upstairs room converted into an en suite and a pipe burst. The people working at my home followed all the building regulations that currently apply. Regulations that I helped put in place.

Journalists have suggested that it was unusual for work to be going on at 11 PM at night. With tradespeople having to deal with a possible recession, I thought it only right to let them do overtime.

I heard one radio report suggest that there were flashing lights and loud music. I simply cannot help it if my electricity is slightly faulty and causing momentary outages. The music only remained constant due to a battery radio and I apologise if it was audible so late. The volume control sometimes gets stuck. Especially during the 87.7FM Dance Party.

Addressing the issue of the five cases of wine that arrived at the same time as the tradespeople, ask yourself this, if Virgin Wines were doing 25% off for 24 hours, with free delivery and a bottle of small-batch gin thrown in with every crate, would you not also take full advantage?

Pictures have surfaced that were taken through my windows that show many of the people in my upstairs room were wearing very few clothes. I think I know what is being suggested by this, but on a hot evening, when undertaking heavy manual work with little ventilation, I think the tradespeople are entitled not to overheat.

Finally, much has been made about two of the people in my upstairs room wearing horses head masks and one wearing a Theresa May winky face. This has led some papers to report I was holding some sort of sex party. Can I just say this, when you are in a global pandemic and you need work done in your upstairs room and standard masks are selling out on Amazon, is it so wrong to cover your face with whatever is available?

That is all I have to say on the matter. I will be taking no questions from the media. Good day to you.