To whom it may concern at The Department of Magical Law Enforcement,
This is your boss, Harry Potter, reminding you to go out and have a good time. Remember that I couldn't get my Hogsmeade form signed while a suspected murderer was believed to be hunting me, and I still found a way to sneak in get myself some sweet treats at Honeydukes, and even my first sip of delicious butterbeer.
And no, neither Honeydukes nor The Three Broomsticks is paying me to tell you that, I just enjoy it that much, and you will too. Now, I understand they too have had to close down due to what muggles are calling “The Coronavirus,” for fear of causing unnecessary harm to the muggle and wizarding communities, and are delivering their goods by owl as a result, but we all know that nothing compares to being there and watch my friend Ron flex in front of Madame Rosmerta.
And you know who else enforced social distancing? Dolores Umbridge, and she's currently in Azkaban. She was just as much of a buzzkill as this virus is being right now, and we all see how well that worked out for her. While I'm not encouraging centaurs, and certainly not dementors, to go and deal with the problems this outbreak has caused, I can certainly see the merits, and am open to suggestions if anyone has a nuanced method to such an approach.
I'm sure at this point you are probably wondering why the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement is telling his own aurors to not enforce the law. Well, the answer is two-fold. One, no dark wizards in the streets means business is slow, and I can only lose at Exploding Snap to my kids so many times. Second, I've put up with this rubbish for the first ten years of my life, and I'm not letting myself or anyone else go through that again!
Say what you will about muggles, but at least they have TV, which for the uninformed, is like watching The Weird Sisters, Quidditch matches and Celestina Warbeck in a little box inside your living room whenever you want, and only costs the price of one butterbeer a month. They even have this thing called “Playstation” where you can control the players of your favorite sport, or even as a woman who raids tombs!
Obviously though, such things are not feasible in our wizarding world, and hence our options for entertainment are much more limited, as is our business potential, and so unless you want to feel like you're back in a cupboard under the stairs, or under the tyranny of Dolores Umbridge, I encourage you to do what I've had to do my whole bloody life and lead by example. Break the rules, risks to the safety of yourself and others be damned! Act the hero.
Hell, it got me second place in a task in the Triwizard Tournament. (I know it's been hotly debated, so let me just say that Dumbledore did indeed ask me calmly if I put my name in the Goblet of Fire, despite what you may have heard or seen otherwise, he did not yell at me, shove me, or give me an angry look.)
Hoping you are well,
Harry James Potter
Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement
P.S. After further consideration (and a stern talking from Minister of Magic, Hermione Granger), please kindly disregard this past letter and continue to follow the Ministry's suggested guidelines, your cooperation is greatly appreciated.