Listen to the dramatic reading by Thomas Eggleston:

Hey there, stranger. I knew you were going to read this. I know everything actually, but you don’t. For example, I bet you had no idea that I was drinking a green smoothie right now. Green because of vegetables, that kind of green. Green because I put spinach into it. Have you even heard of spinach? It’s a superfood. The nutrients inside of it, wrapped in the stem or something, are powerful. Spinach provides protein, iron, vitamins, and minerals. What does the body do with those you ask?

Well, normally something happens. I’m not sure. You fall asleep less, maybe? Your body poops easier? Who cares. I do know what happens when you blend it into a smoothie though—you become better. Better than others, better than yourself, better than God. You can see sound and hear color. Physics are a suggestion and conversation is wasted time. Mirrors are empty, they cannot handle your image. A green smoothie immediately propels you into your final form.

I was like you once, eating bread and consuming calories. Pathetic. Back in those pre-spinach days, I was a loser. A poser. I walked for exercise and used supplements for sleeping. I even drank alcohol. My life was spiraling out of control. That’s when I found spinach smoothies.

These days, you wouldn’t catch me dead with a piece of chicken in my hand, no way. Snack foods? Embarrassing. A candy bar is a federal crime in my eyes. Halloween is worse than the Purge. All other indulgences are simply distractions on the way to the top of the food pyramid and let me tell you, the view is great. I would know, as my vision is now 200/10.

You might be thinking “Hey, I have a banana smoothie every now and then, is that good?” Actually, I know that’s what you’re thinking because I now hear every thought mankind has ever had (you’re all freaks). To answer your question though, absolutely not. Not even close.

You add in berries carelessly, fruits and juices galore, maybe a sprinkle of kale to convince yourself you are like me. Sure, maybe you drop your mile from 4 minutes to 3 (is that the normal amount these days? I’ve been drinking green for so long I hardly remember what the normal running rate is).

Nevertheless, this is a minor improvement. A drop in the puddle of what could be your greatest achievements.

Don’t you want to control the weather? Break the sound barrier? Shoot light out of your palms like Fiona did at the end of the Shrek movie? With a green smoothie, you could master all the elements, learn every language, play every instrument, all before your thirties (after your thirties, it’s pretty much not worth living at that point. Have you guys seen Kelly Rippa lately? She’s ripped as hell and still very unsettling).

With spinach smoothies, you could touch greatness for yourself.

Spinach whirled and destroyed, crumbled in a glass, and sliding down your throat. That is the only way you can reach your peak physical performance. That is the only way to best the gods in combat. That is the only way to succeed. With this sage advice, move forward in the direction of your goals.

Also yes, I shit green.