Hello,

My name is Terry and I'm glad I read the entire description of the Cupcake Deliverer role, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have seen that a cover letter was required. If it had been optional, I can almost guarantee I wouldn’t have submitted one—I hope that says more about my approach to the employment process than it does about me as a person. I've got a theory that when a cover letter isn’t required, potential employers don't actually read them, but handle them similarly to an iTunes terms and conditions pop-up. This alone is a big reason why the cover letter is the most recycled paper item in the world; what you’re reading is a repurposed version of one that I sent to Whole Foods a few years back.

As one of the most popular bakeries in the city, the ideal candidate must be, in your words, “hardworking.” I think I'd be a great fit for this position as I follow David Goggins and Gary Vaynerchuk on Instagram. In college, I was tackling a full course load, working a job, and president of a club, all the while cutting out time to crush Natural Light with my housemates. I’m going to add that I graduated during the year that the god amongst men of distractions, Fortnite, blew up. Which begs the question: What was my GPA? 3.2. Now the thing about a 3.2 GPA is that there are obvious flaws. For example, it’s not a 4.0, which I could’ve lied about but didn’t, bringing me to my next point.

Accountability. The job really is all about delivering cupcakes in a timely, safe manner. You’re looking for someone with a clean driving record. I want you to know that I’ve gotten three speeding tickets. Two of them were from “accurate” cameras, but the car I was driving wasn’t in my name, so I was let off the hook. The other happened right as I crossed into California from Oregon. A highway patrol officer hid behind a barricade of bushes and clocked me going 82 MPH in a 65 MPH zone, which in Eureka, California really isn’t that bad considering that the highway there sees six cars per week. If they had caught me doing this in Sacramento, they might’ve pulled me over, but probably not, because everyone else would be doing 80-plus too. Far more importantly, I took the time to complete traffic school, thus clearing my record, and helping keep my parent's insurance rates low.

You say you want someone who is down to earth. I had an existential crisis recently, so I'm not sure if that even matters. I think what you really want to know is whether or not I’m an asshole, to which the answer is no. Sometimes I’ll space out in conversation and people might think I don't care about what they're saying, but that's not me, that's my ADD, and I recently got an Adderall prescription so I don’t think we have to worry about that.

Before I wrap this up, I would like to clarify what you mean by a “fast-paced” work environment. Because the job description for the IT staffing firm I also applied to said that their environment was fast-paced, and so did the Mom of the child I was hoping to nanny. Really, everyone’s environment seems to be up-tempo. The only time “fast-paced” made sense was on an application for a spin class instructor, but they put a winking emoji at the end of the sentence, so I think they were trying to be funny.

Aside from that, it all seems great. Thank you for your time! I look forward to having an in-depth, in-person discussion of how my skills can help this team. You can just find me on Insta.

Sincerely,
Terry N. Tytled


And now a quick joke...

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.