Great-Great Grandma Mathilda was a cook of much renown. When her small village was ravaged by a large corporation, and her government baited and bribed by the ultra-wealthy, Mathilda and those around her chanted “Eat the rich!” And so they did.
Among the recipes to emerge during that tumultuous time, Mathilda’s Billionaire Roast stood out, warming the hearts and nourishing the bellies of all who tasted it. Here, for the first time, is her handwritten recipe for this simple-yet-justified delicacy, lovingly transcribed by her wretched descendants toiling away in the bowels of Jeff Bezos’ warehouses.
Mathilda’s Billionaire Roast
- 1 billionaire, appropriately beaten
- Kosher salt (relative to the amount of taxes the billionaire paid last year)
- Fresh herbs
Serves: 99% of the population, when divided equally.
Preparing the Billionaire:
Billionaires are a rare breed, oft found running wild on private islands. They can best be lured by the sound of clinking gold coins or an ill-advised merger. If you wish for a truly delicious meal, harvest and prepare your billionaire by the light of the full moon gleaming off of their yacht.
- One must never discount the pleasure one gets from knowing your meat was ethically killed. Therefore, remove the head by way of guillotine and toss away.
- If attained by natural means, the billionaire should already have been tenderized by the righteous masses. If caught without the use of an angry mob, however, it is most likely to have a sinewy texture due to having never seen a day’s labor. For this, there is only one remedy, and that is to soak it in a basin of water and vinegar in order to bring out what little tenderness it has to offer.
- As the skin of a billionaire is very thin (they often buy media outlets purely for the favorable coverage!), after the soak it must be patted dry with the care and attention it so lacked before its untimely capture.
- Once dry, coat the skin with salt in order to attain a crispness the unwashed poor will speak of for days (when roasted correctly, the salted skin shall ideally look as though it has just returned from a trip to the Caymans).
- Remove the billionaire’s innards. Take specific care when removing the heart, for it is shriveled, black, and most poisonous.
- Just as the late billionaire stuffed its pockets until they were worth more than a bundle of world GDPs combined, so should you bundle fragrant herbs with which to stuff your billionaire.
- Stick the billionaire onto the spit and, so that it does not rotate, tie the limbs up with its own bootstraps.
- Position trussed creature above the fire and turn every fifteen minutes. If your arms grow weary, remember that in fifteen minutes, your billionaire would have already made $224,010! Let your ensuing rage give you strength!
- To ensure moisture retention, baste billionaire every hour with a sauce of liquified assets, tears of the exploited, and just a drop of lobbyist blood.
- Cook until the meat falls off the bone. For comparison, this will take roughly as long as the respective billionaire’s last marriage or sexual assault trial.
- Pull roasted meat and feed the clamoring masses!
Best Served With: Bread as crusty as your billionaire was when forced to pay his workers a living wage, and coleslaw.
For Dessert: Let yourself eat cake.