I’m pretty much the biggest Catholic I know based on both the depths of my spirituality and my physical mass, so getting people interested in the good word is very important to me. Since the Pope won’t respond to my idea for him to do a beer bong of Sacramental Wine and prove once and for all that religion is cool, I’ve decided the next best thing is making Sonny the Cuckoo Bird a spokesperson for Christianity. Obviously, he’ll need to renounce Cocoa Puffs before accepting the Lord’s Light, which won't be easy. Here are just a few ideas I brainstormed to convince him.

1. I Make a Rube Goldberg-Type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth

Basically, this would be a thing that has a bunch of strings, marbles, see-saws, and stuff like that so every time Sonny takes a bite of Cocoa Puffs, a big wooden paddle eventually swings down to whack his bottom. After six bites and six firm spanks caused by nothing but his own actions, I predict Sonny will surrender his Cocoa Puffs and allow us to take him to a nearby river so we can get this bitch baptized.

2. I Open His Mouth Real Wide, Reach Down His Throat, Pull Out His Heart, and Show It to Him to Prove That Jesus Is In There

It’s going to be a pretty profound experience for the bird when he sees that a little tiny Jesus lives in his heart, just as He lives in all our hearts. Jesus will be all snuggled up in a pulmonary vein looking cozy as hell. At this point, I don’t foresee any outcome other than Sonny dropping to his knees, casting his Cocoa Puffs aside, and praising the Messiah.

3. I Shake Him Around a Bunch and Tell Him to Knock It Off

This one is simple, but sometimes it’s best not to overcomplicate things. A few vigorous shakes from my wife is what made me get my act together and successfully impregnate her despite medical professionals saying I was 100% sterile. (This was caused by years of drinking what I thought was Holy Water, but later learned was just water from a creek right next to a nuclear power plant.) 9 months later, when my beautiful, 46-pound baby boy, David, was born, I knew that shaking and praying could overcome any obstacle.

4. Maybe I Just Take Him Out on a Fishing Trip, Have a Heart to Heart with Him, and Explain Why He Should Quit Cocoa Puffs and Embrace God

I’m just spitballing here, but maybe if we were out on a boat, drinking a few beers, and having a good time, he’d be more receptive to converting to Christianity. I’m confident that after an afternoon of fluke fishing with me, he’ll point to a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and one by one, call each puff a little shit that he couldn’t even put in his mouth if he wanted to because it’s already full of communion wafers.

5. I Give Him a Bowl of Rosary Beads and Tell Him It’s Cocoa Puffs

I’m not exactly sure what the Rosary is supposed to be since I’ve never prayed it, but I know it’s important. Tricking Sonny into thinking the Rosary beads are Cocoa Puffs will get his brain nice and mushy, and thus easier to be molded into the shape of a Crucifix. And I’m being literal when I say that. I got Crucifix brain when I wandered onto a construction site to see how big they dig the holes. I got hit in the head with a backhoe so hard that my skull became misshapen to the point that doctors have explained to me the only way my brain fits in my head is because it contorted itself into a lowercase t shape. Greatest day of my life.

6. I Give Him a Chastity Belt

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that when Sonny says he is “cuckoo” for Cocoa Puffs, he means he is horny for Cocoa Puffs. And last I checked, premarital horniness is a sin. Locking Sonny’s holes and stuff up tight under a 60-pound steel chastity belt may be the only way we can break his dependence. During this time, he will no doubt go through withdrawal symptoms, at which point it’s inevitable that he turns to the Lord to guide him through his darkest hour.


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