1. I am not my productivity. I let go of any pressure to work out or adopt a new hobby.

2. I am a couch potato. I am the most beautiful and starchy potato, placing my roots down and grounding myself in the sanctity of sweatpants and being a homebody.

3. My stimulus check does not determine my value.

4. I will celebrate each goal I accomplish with gratitude and a snack.

5. I have the ability to live to my full potential once this whole thing is over. I am in control of my life once the governor tells me I’m allowed to be again.

6. I am happy and valuable because they told me I was an essential worker.

7. I acknowledge that I can change my sweatpants if I want to or I can wear the same ones every day forever and only I have the power to choose.

8. The Universe supports me in my quest to never wear a bra or jeans again.

9. I am practicing self-love because there is literally no one else around for me to love.

10. My deepest desire is to feel the human touch again. And to have my back blown out.

11. I give myself permission to eat frozen foods instead of cooking a fresh meal.

12. I radiate happiness and body odor.

13. My life is still valuable even if my friends forgot to invite me to the virtual happy hour.

14. I am aware that my journey in life should not be compared to that of others—everyone has a different path to their kitchen.

15. I understand that my actions become habits, so I will practice using less toilet paper.

16. The only people who may be judging me are the people who saw me steal the hand sanitizer at the CVS.

17. I forgive myself for the entire loaf of bread I just ate.

18. I have learned my lesson and deserve some cheese as a treat.

19. I love and respect my neighbors even though they broke the rules and had more than ten people over last night.

20. My confidence does not depend on compliments, but on how many likes my mask selfie gets.

21. The more I like myself, the less I feel the need to answer unscheduled FaceTime calls.

22. I boldly approach reviving the puzzle industry.

23. I am a magnet for toilet paper that doesn’t price gouge me.

24. Regardless of the challenges COVID brings, I will overcome every impulse I have to text my ex.

25. I surround myself with body pillows and weighted blankets to remind myself of what the human touch was once like.

26. I define who I am. I decide what I do. As long as it follows the 6-foot rule.

27. I am powerful and courageous in my choice to not sanitize my groceries before putting them away.

28. People enjoy being around me as long as they can leave their camera off during a Zoom call.

29. I can handle this. This is not my first global financial crisis.

30. I am confident I won’t die, but will instead suffer through this pandemic.

31. As I change my thoughts, the world around me remains an absolute flaming turd.


And now a quick joke...

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.