These melt-in-your-mouth shortbread cookies are sure to make you the talk of your friend group. Made with just a few ingredients, these light, flaky cookies are also light on your wallet, as is buying the dairy farm my grandmother left me, which I am selling for pretty cheap.

All you’ll need is some sugar, flour, butter, and just a pinch of salt. All these ingredients can be found in your local grocery store. In fact, there’s one just a couple of blocks from Grandma’s farm, so it would be particularly easy to make the cookies if you ended up moving there, in case you were looking to buy it.

Homemade cookies are easier than you realize, and so is purchasing my grandmother’s dairy farm. We don’t even need to go through any lawyers or anything.

The women in town used to beg Gram to tell them the secret behind these cookies, which I’ll share in this recipe. They’d also beg her to tell them what went on on the dairy farm, considering all the shrieking that could be heard all the way from the town square. I can’t tell you that one because she took it to her grave.

Begin by whisking sugar, butter, and a pinch of salt in a large mixing bowl, until evenly mixed. If you’re considering buying the farm, let me assure you the kitchen in the old farmhouse will come fully stocked with all these tools, which have not been touched since my grandmother died, on account of when I try to open the kitchen door it just starts oozing milk.

Grandma’s key to making these cookies so moist was the fresh butter, which she would make after milking the cows each morning. Please do not hesitate to reach out if you are interested in getting these cows off my hands. They’ve taken over.

Break up the butter and fold it gently into the dry ingredients, using your hands to combine. My grandmother insisted on doing this process slowly, because if the cows saw any sudden movements they would freak out. I mean they’d absolutely lose it and start speaking in tongues. If you’ve ever considered owning a dairy farm of your own, please send me an email. I can’t text because the cows have my cell phone.

Once you’ve kneaded your mixture into a stiff batter, shape the cookies into one inch squares. The property is over 50 acres and is very beautiful. My grandmother is buried in the southwest corner, but don’t worry about anything strange happening. The cows won’t let you near her grave.

Bake the cookies at 350 degrees until slightly brown, about 15 minutes. Allow them to cool for a few minutes on a wire rack before enjoying. Maybe spend that time looking into owning a dairy farm, specifically the one my grandmother left me, which the cows have given me ten days to vacate or else.

The cookies are best served with a warm glass of milk, but do not let the cows see you drinking the milk. That’s what happened to Grandpa.

These cookies are absolutely to die for, and if you’re looking for a quaint place to do just that, consider purchasing my grandmother’s old dairy farm. If I do not respond to your email, do not come looking for me. The cows are very close to breaking down my barricade.

Makes 12 cookies.


Follow PIC on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or good ol' fashioned email.
Get coaching or feedback on your comedy writing from our editors.