If you’re anything like me, dead bodies creep you out. It’s like, come on, be alive or get outta here! Needless to say, funerals are always difficult to attend, which is why I’ve compiled a list of excuses to get out of looking at the body.

1. I think I just saw Grandma’s ghost! She’s headed towards the Applebee’s down the street. You know how much she loved their half-off apps. I should follow her just to make sure she gets a booth.

2. There’s this floral arrangement in the bathroom and I’m having the hardest time figuring out what flowers they are. I tried Googling it but service near the body sucks. I’m gonna try outside.

3. It sounds like the funeral director just spilled someone’s remains all over the floor in the basement! I better go help him so he doesn’t get fired.

4. Have you guys seen my hamster? I brought her so she could say her goodbyes, but I can’t find her. I should start looking before she finds her way to Grandma’s eyes.

5. I have IBS. I will not be accepting any questions at this time.

6. I heard if you stand outside and check Instagram during the entirety of the funeral, it will bring good luck to the family.

7. Seeing all these people here to pay their respects really brings a tear to my eye. Speaking of tears, I’m out of Puffs Plus. Time for a Walgreens run! I’ll meet you guys back at the house.

8. I have a great idea for a TikTok but I need natural lighting.

9. I finally got through to Sears customer service. Better take this.

10. I think I forgot to put on deodorant, and you won’t wanna be around me when I start smelling like a 4th grade P.E. teacher.

11. I just found out I was being catfished for the last six years. I need to go home and lie down.

12. I’m gonna go make sure no one’s illegally parked in the handicapped spot. You know how selfish people can be.

13. I heard the funniest joke the other day, but it’s actually way funnier if I tell it in the lobby.

14. I’m on the hunt for a great meatloaf recipe, and there’s a woman in the parking lot who looks like she has one.

15. I just got my nails done and they’re still wet. I’m afraid if I get too close to the body, I’ll get nail polish all over Grandma.

16. My horoscope said to stay away from anything cold and lifeless until next weekend.

17. You know what this funeral is missing? A PowerPoint. I’ll go make one.

18. My friend just texted me saying Joey Fatone is in the parking lot of this very funeral home!

19. I just found this bag of illegal weed on the ground! Better go smoke it…

20. I have a date, and this person actually still has color in their cheeks. Don’t wanna miss this.


And now a quick joke...

I don’t know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It’s worked for my family for generations.