Hi, Scientists.

It has come to my attention that Science is a bit of a handful, so if you could just take it down a notch, I would be very grateful.

Try to think of this as a rebranding, and not as “Compromising the integrity of human knowledge for the sake of one scientifically-impaired individual.” Make it simpler. Sleeker. Give it that “Wow!” factor.

Here are a few improvements that would make Science way more appealing to me. You're welcome.

Geology

“Is that the one with all the countries,” one would ask oneself, mistakenly. To avoid confusion, Geology should obviously be called “Rocks.”

Tribology

In the same spirit, the probably fascinating and noble study of friction and lubrication will now go as “Rub-a-Lub-Lub.”

Biology

Ah, the study of life! Guess who has a life? Me. Therefore, I simply do not have the time to count legs, leaves, or phylums. Phylus. Phylumses? Never mind.

I am therefore proposing a more time-efficient classification with only two categories: “Cute,” and “Not Cute.” Bunnies? Cute. Mushrooms? Not cute. Protozoa? Do you have a pet protozoa? I didn't think so. My advice: If you need a microscope to see it, then don't get a microscope. As I like to say, “No protozoa, no problem.”

Mathematics

Speaking of useless problems that are a waste of my time, mathematics were all well and good until you started putting letters in them. Was that really necessary? And it's not just letters, no, you also had to put them in Greek! Stop being greedy and leave letters to language teachers. From now on, I would like you to enforce a strict Numbers Only policy. To quote NSYNC, it's time to go “Bye, bye, π.”

Quantum Physics

Don't even get me started on Quantum Physics. I think we should just get rid of it altogether. I don't understand it, quantum physicists don't understand it, let's just call it a day and stick to good old regular Physics. Forget about that good-for-nothing Theory of Everything and let's pretend it was just a bad dream that we needn't mention ever again. Stephen Hawking who?

Chemistry

“Ordering all the chemical elements in a table is so much fun!” said no one ever. If you didn't keep on looking for new elements, you wouldn't need to order them in the first place, duh. Don't you have enough elements already? Quit trying so hard. Trust me, nothing says “Trying Too Hard” like a particle accelerator. Plus, you guys really went wild with the names. I don't like it. “Tin” was fine. “Molybdenum” was weird, but at least its friends could call it “Moly.” But “Roentgenium,” seriously? Please get a “Best Baby Names” book already.

Astronomy

I think we should just stick to the useful stars and planets. The Moon and the Sun are solid choices. I already know about them, and if I forget about one I can just look up in the sky. Make it a “What you see is what you get” kind of situation. This would also make Astrology way neater. I mean, no Mars means no Scorpios, which is clearly a win for everyone.

And this, scientists, is how you turn science from a nerds-only, shoot-me-already, stress-induced ulcer of a discipline into something that works for me.

Watch and learn, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Watch and learn.


And now a quick joke...

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows. Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.