A fun fact about me is that I hate endings. It’s true! I hate them so much that when my boyfriend tried to break up with me, I literally just ran away before he could finish speaking. And even though he’s married to Gladys and lives in Minnesota now, I still believe we’re together. We’re just in an open relationship where Gladys sees him 100% of the time and I only see him in my mind.

My hatred for endings is also why I never finish anything. Books. Magazines. My online juggling class! I especially never finish movies, but I haven’t let that stop me from wanting to become the most popular reviewer on Letterboxd. I have a pretty big brain so I can predict the ending to almost any movie, anyway.

Here are some movies that I don’t know the “real” endings to, but like, I do.


The Sixth Sense

Listen, this movie was just too weird for me to finish. Why is a grown-ass man trying to be friends with a little kid? I’ll tell you why! Bruce Willis is clearly only getting close to this kid so he can bang his mom. Case closed.

1 out of 4 stars


Scream

They clearly set up Billy Loomis, Sidney’s greasy boyfriend, to be some sort of red herring so, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the real killer is Sidney’s mom. Moms are always trying to get you to do things you don’t wanna do like “listen to them” and what better way to make your kid behave than by scaring them half to death. Also, I know they said Sidney’s mom died, but I don’t buy it. Her father’s never home and Sidney’s in high school… who the heck buys all the groceries?

2 out of 4 stars


Romeo and Juliet

These two lovebirds? They’re absolutely gonna make it! I’m usually right about these things, and I can just tell that the love between these two kids is the real deal. I really feel like Shakespeare woke up one day and said, “You knowth what? I needth to write a comedy…th.” And this? This is the result of that. I don’t see these two ever breaking up, shit—I don’t even see them dying. Cheers to immortality!

3 out of 4 stars


Gone Girl

In an unexpected twist, Amy and Nick get back together and she apologizes for being so “gone.” But, then it turns out Nick’s mom is also “gone!” Amy and Nick set out to find her and soon they also realize their house is “gone” and their jobs are “gone” and their DVD of Liam Neeson’s Taken is also “gone.” Bone-chillingly riveting!

3 out of 4 stars


The Notebook

I half watch this movie every summer. Unlike Romeo and Juliet, this story is Panic at the Disco levels of tragic. It’s gotta be super tiring being that excited and angry all the time—have they ever heard of taking a nap? I know in my bones that Ally stays with that hot dude she nursed back to health. Noah just isn’t the right fit for her. She’s a rich girl, he’s a non-rich girl… can I make it anymore obvious?

4 out of 4 stars


Jaws

This movie’s so rad! The shark kills everyone and no one is left in the town except the shark and his shark posse. They throw shark pool parties and that one dude who tried to defeat him is dead and the sharks just don’t care. I predict the movie moves into surrealism at some point, and it’s just 20 minutes of sharks hula hooping. But, honestly, that could just be the LSD talking. We are the Walrus, coo coo ca choo!

4 out of 4 stars


My Best Friend’s Wedding

At the end of the movie, we find out that Julia Roberts’s best friend was herself all along. And who does she marry, you ask? Herself, of course! Cameron Diaz goes off to college again because she’s fricking like 20 years old and why was she gonna marry Dermot Mulroney anyway? Wow I can’t believe we’re finally given a movie where two women don’t fight over a man, and instead choose themselves.

4 out of 4 stars


When Harry Met Sally

Harry and Sally do not get together cause she’s too anal and he’s not into that kind of thing. I also tried that kinda stuff once but didn’t like it either.

1 out of 4 stars


And now a quick joke...

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.