Give the bear more money. The bear needs more resources to stop itself from mauling children. The city arts budget must be slashed to placate the bear.

Encourage the bear to hold itself accountable. We have faith that the bear will do the right thing. Next time the bear sends an old man to the hospital, it will give itself a punishment.

Ban the bear from thrashing people around without a warning. We believe it is a bear’s nature to thrash people around. We implicitly understand that the bear’s function in town is to thrash people around. It seems only fair that the bear give a warning before thrashing commences!

Provide the bear sensitivity training. We will ensure the bear sits through an hour of training that contradicts the lifetime of violent impulses it has acquired from being a bear.

Attach a camera to the bear that it can turn off. Video evidence cannot be argued with, so the bear will be given a camera that it can turn off effectively without consequence. Distribution of videos will be left to the bear’s discretion.

Limit the transfer of military-grade weapons to the bear. It’s not realistic to completely stop handing the bear tanks, riot gear, and gas banned by the Geneva Convention. Rest easy knowing that someone is making an unimaginable amount of money from this.

Teach the bear deescalation tactics. We hope that when the agitated bear arrives on the scene, people will feel safe.

Continue to ignore FBI reports that white supremacists have infiltrated the bear. It is impossible to extricate the white supremacist gangs from the bear. We do not see this as a point against the bear in general.

Tell the bear to keep statistics. It would be helpful to us if we knew how many children the bear has eaten. We must ask the bear to keep data RE: eaten children.

Discourage the bear from using controversial mauling techniques. Look, we don’t like to admit it, but deep down we believe a vast segment of our citizens inherently deserve to get mauled by a bear. Without the threat of maulings, the people in this town could realize they have a lot of power. We will compromise and ban violent methods of mauling. From here on out, the bear will only maul people in ways taught to it by a private contractor who is also a bear.


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