He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.” (NIV, Genesis, 22.1-19)
God told Dad that he must sacrifice you, his only son, or face eternal damnation. Here are some good Father’s Day activities to convince him otherwise.
Make Him Breakfast
Nothing says “Don’t sacrifice me!” like breakfast in bed. A warm omelet, fresh coffee, and a side of hash browns is the perfect way to warm Dad up to the idea of sparing you. You may have burnt the hash browns, but hopefully he won’t burn you on Moriah. Finish off breakfast with a comment like: “What would you do without me?” After all, Dad always says not to bite the hand that feeds you.
Fishing is perfect for father-son bonding. It also may be the perfect time to have that awkward conversation. Sitting on a boat, anchored in deep ocean water, and meditating on the calm water’s surface is the perfect way to remind Dad of your intrinsic value.
Try an opener like: “A worm on a hook is so worthless, me on the other hand, I’m your son.” No one wants to be bait, not even for God. Likening yourself to a worm on a hook could be your ticket to staying on the boat, and not being cast into the abyss like a feeble and slimy animal.
Convincing Dad not to sacrifice you won’t be easy, but this Father’s Day, let the vast Mediterranean do the talking, and maybe catch a Bluefin Tuna.
Dad never thought you were manly enough, so why not prove him wrong by engaging in some ‘killing for sport.’ Load up your teal 2018 Mini Cooper with your old Winchester Model 70 that Dad bought you for your sixth birthday; also grab a pair of hunting boots and the dusty camouflage jacket you never wear. Blasting off the head of a ten-point buck will make you weep uncontrollably, but also make him think twice about sacrificing you to the Lord Almighty.
Take this opportunity to remind him of everything you are good at—even hunting. For starters, remind him about that breakfast you made him earlier that morning, or the Bluefin Tuna you caught. Perhaps he will spare your life after witnessing all of the senseless killing.
Nothing evokes thoughtful conversation like a game of catch. Grab a baseball and glove, and start hurling that rock-hard ornament at each other. Compliment his impeccable throwing form, after all, he was a pitcher in high school… pitch him the idea of sacrificing something else. Who will he play catch with without you?
Take a Trip to the Bar
A little alcohol will loosen up Dad. He usually remembers how proud of you he is when he’s tipsy, i.e. when he’s drunk and doesn’t remember you that well. Why not get Dad boozed up on miller light and remind him of the good ol’ days? You know, when God wasn’t asking him to sacrifice you.
Maybe bring an old photo album to the bar. Don’t have any tear-jerking photo albums? Remind him of that amazing breakfast, the Bluefin Tuna, and the ten-point buck from earlier that day.
Watch a Movie
Choose a movie with a strong father-son duo. A pair that sticks together and is willing to sacrifice FOR one another—but not sacrifice one another. Like The Godfather, Field of Dreams, or East of Eden. On second thought… don’t watch East of Eden, that doesn’t end well for anyone.
Write Him a Card
At the end of the day, there is only one way to say “don’t sacrifice me”—telling him via Hallmark card. You were never good at expressing yourself face to face, hell you barely spoke to him before Father’s Day! This holiday is your chance to finally make up for it. If you’re lucky, maybe God will go easy on you, and let Dad sacrifice something of truly no value or import—a ram perhaps. You already sacrificed that innocent worm, Bluefin Tuna, and ten-point buck trying to convince Dad you were worth keeping around, what’s one more guiltless animal?
Then you can go back to business as usual—only calling him for money.