Step 1: Note the expiration date on your box of Pop-Tarts. Do not prepare your tart any time before this date. Once the expiration date has passed, wait no less than three years. Five or more is safest.

Step 2: Open your box of Pop-Tarts and unwrap one. Try biting down hard onto the tart with your two front teeth. If the tart remains intact, you’ve waited sufficiently long.

Step 3: Lather the tart in cooking oil. Then use an unsharpened knife to cut your tart in half, lengthwise.

Step 4: Take the bloodied halves and put them in the toaster. Turn off your smoke detectors and set for ten minutes.

Step 5: Press a knife firmly against the heating elements of the toaster. Use the knife to gently massage the tarts as they toast. This will ensure that the tarts are cooked all the way through.

Step 6: Remove your hot tart halves from the toaster. Do not use oven mitts or hand coverings. The tarts will be exceptionally brittle, so their handling will require the utmost dexterity.

Step 7: Once out of the toaster, immediately apply the tart halves to your tongue to moisten the frosting. Hold anywhere from thirty seconds to a minute.

Step 8: Pulse one half of the tart in a blender until powdered. Use a straw to administer the substance nasally. This will act as a throat coat for the other half.

Step 9: Enjoy. You should have a pop tort. If you don’t, you’ve done something very, very wrong.